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Join Now Day 3 Blog Part 1 by Cas
 
Cas
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Birth Date: Mon, Sep 20 1982

Place of residence:
San Fernando Valley Ca, United States (map)

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Day 3 Blog Part 1

 

 

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Cas

  Cas

Sun, Nov 08 06:32 PM

Day 3 Blog Part 1

 
O.k, so I know its been over a week since I completed day 2, and I still refuse to complete day 3 without a blog. Problem is, I haven't been sober enough over the last week to blog. O.k, well may be I should explain. This last week isn't as horrible as first impression may make it out to seem. As far as my problem with prescription medication, this last week has found me 100% sober! I haven't abused, used, or even thought of taking any prescription meds! I have been taking 5-htp (the vitamin alternative) and melatonin, but I have found I'm much more responsive using these than the plethora of anxiety meds i tried and abused over previous years. That being said, this last week I have been feeling much improved. I don't always remember to do my affirmations in the morning (having a great day, day is mine, etc) but I do say it when I remember. I planned to keep up on it more, as my emotional/situational problems haven't gotten much better, but a family member (my 88 year old grandmother) recently was very injured in a fall, and for the last week I have been the only one in town to tend to her. This didn't lend a lot of time for me to get onto tools, unfortunately, though I still managed to find more than enough time to drink in between.. and the drinking has just been getting worse. I guess this does sound more like an excuse than a reason, but be it as it may, even with things getting better my drinking has suffered. This could be a result of all the added stress, along with me becoming re-involved with an ex that has and probably always will be bad for me. Ok, sounds like now is the time I really start rambling. Well, I haven't been 100% honest in my previous blog posts and 'my story.' Technically I had two relationships since my fiancee, and this one was the worst of it. While I still struggle getting over the other relationship since my fiancee (the good one of the two,) this current rekindled relationship always was abusive, and still is.. to the point I'm forced to see certain friends less due to the fact they would probably stop speaking to me if they knew i was even speaking to her again. This all seems superficial and all, and it should be obvious to just walk away.. and I would wonder what I was doing, until I finally took a good look at what brought me back to this relationship. The more I think about it, and this sounds ridiculous I know, (but im here for me not you ) I find that I value my self worth according to whatever relationship I'm in at the moment. This probably doesn't make a lot of sense (nor does it logically to me either,) and it is socially crippling. The thing is, when I'm single I kind of feel like that doors song "People are strange:" I have low self esteem, become derpressed, and my anxiety suffers. However, when I'm in a relationship, no matter how happy I am or am not in said relationship, my self esteem seems to raise quite a bit, especially when I'm with someone my friends also find desirable. Wow, O.k this sounds really crazy when written down. Anyways, I now find myself back in an emotionally abusive relationship with someone who I don't even know how I feel about. I don't know what to do, and the thought of being alone is just terrifying; I don't even really know why. However, despite all this, this last week I have been feeling more confident, and like I don't have to take this abuse to feel any sort of self worth; I've almost felt normal again. It's honestly a good feeling, but at the same time I worry about how I will get over my other ex without the current one to take my mind off things. Damn, may be I am an asshole. =( I don't really know what I want (possibly a lie,) what to do, or how I would find the strength to do it. I feel like I am half finding myself, and half loosing myself all over again.

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# Tags: relationships, Anxiety, Depression, addiction

 

This post is cheered by:

empowering_myself empowering_myself JEDITEECH JEDITEECH creativeamp68 creativeamp68 earthfireg earthfireg


 

comments

ahosh ahosh:

that's great to hear you have calmed down with the scripts.. that is definitely a positive thing and i know it's a huge effort. perhaps keep reminding yourself that you don't want drinking to replace them and you can slowly wind it all down.

 

There is some great stuff in here further on about relationships that may help.  I get real hung up on girls the same way and they boost my self esteem but it feels like im just postponing tackling the real problems.  keep examining what you want and need and do things every day that make you feel positive and i think you'll be alright.  keep up the daily battles and you'll win the wars!

 

thanks for sharin

-andrew

 

 

ALLee ALLee:

Circle Theory

In week two, which took me at least three weeks to get to Devyln speaks about being whole as yourself before getting into relationships so you find another as whole as you.

 

He also talks about folks who are only half circles and how they get into relationships with other half circles and do not make out as well as the folks that became full before attaching themselfs to another circle. 


I also have a similar problem with women when I am single, gotta have one to feel better.  In some cases it did not work, but I am grateful to have a loving fionce (after meeting a bunch of half circles and being one myself)

 

Anways, Keep TOOLS up.  This program is great.   

 

 

creativeamp68 creativeamp68:

I agree with ALLee...

...keep going to read about The Circle Theory. My last ex was just like yours, Cas. She was emotionally (and sometimes physically) abusive to me. For the longest time, I thought I had the problem, that I was the asshole and I was treating her badly. But guess what...she broke me down so much to the point that she lowered my self-esteem TREMENDOUSLY and had me thinking I was the bad person when in fact SHE WAS (Guess who ended up being unfaithful?).

 

If you don't even know how you feel about this girl anymore, chances are she's not the one for you. I was feeling THE SAME WAY at the end of my relationship with that borderline nutcase.

 

And yep, I also suffered from that single syndrome, wanting intimacy and emotional connection with someone rather than being "alone". Admittedly, I still go through those phases once in a while, but this program has actually helped me cope and deal with it much faster. 

 

All I can say, Cas, is keep doing the program. I feel so much better being in TOOLS for a month more so than I have in a long time. Good luck and thanks for blogging about your struggles. You've found a great group of people here.