This being my first blog, hell my first return to Tools in a little over a year, I feel like I need to sort out a few things before I begin my self-help quest anew. Well, previously I would wait and force myself to do a blog after I completed a tools day, and I still might. But today I need to motivate myself to get back into the swing of it all... believe it or not Tools can be very daunting! Well, the last day of Tools I did complete was only day three, and that was a year ago nearly to the day. Things over this last year have been more or less stagnant, and this (among other issues) got me thinking. I realized that every time I attempted Tools in the past, I would begin to feel better and think I no longer needed Tools. After all, things were looking up, why bother? Well, I finally think I realized this is the exact reason why things haven't gotten any better; if anything my relationships have continued to get worse. I have come to the realization that I don't just need a quick fix: an affirmation here or an encouraging word there. What I really need is to work on myself through myself, both body and soul. This probably makes no sense, but I find feelings are often not akin to words.
I'm also finally learning my physical health affects me emotionally and vice versa. And although I have been doing exceptional controlling my vices as of late, I have been increasingly feeling that if I don't make drastic changes soon, I won't ever get the chance. Considering all this, and despite everything I have to be thankful for, I am genuinely sad and tired. I feel like this time I don't want to do the Tools program.... I have to.