To anyone hesitating about anti-depressive meds by the way I'd say check it out. I've been on for nearly three months and feel so much better. They may not suit every depressive but its worth asking your doctor in my limited experience. That and this stress busting holiday....

Martin

I feel so much better generally using a combination of Tools, anti-depressants, making new friends (a singles social club in London) and praying more consistently and so beginning to recover my shakey faith... so getting there.

Going out with a friend for my birthday on Thursday and going to an art exhibition on Friday. Some of life feels really good.

Part of my recovery is finding my faith again and its tempting to see that as the faith I had in my early 20s but it must be different, reflecting new knowledge, new experiences, deeper reflection... and the possibility of God revealing himself afresh and in new ways.

I am tall dark and handsome! I smell good with nice aftershave and dressed conservatively, tastefully in quality simple clothes. I'm slim and in good shape, clean shaven and neat. I move carefully, deliberately, not rushing. I find good restaurants, good concerts, good exhibitions and savour the experience and open to seeing or tasting the things others chose, always open to broaden my experience.The person I'm with deserves and receives my full attention and I am civil and courteous, interested, keener to understand their perspective than to convey my own. I make good conversation and when I do share my views or experiences I am keen to do so in an open and honest way so that the whole conversation is a positive experience.

I also wrote about my ideal partner but I won't share that! (especially as someone elses blog accused some users of this site of misusing it for dating! thats not my agenda!)

The first conversation touched on (inevitably being me!) painting wargames figures and (for her) ceramics. But we quickly moved onto modern art and who we liked and agreed that neither of us were keen on Tracy Emin, I reflected on the fact I like Marc Quinn, especially the white marble statue of Alison Lapper, and Anthony Gormley, especially “field”. I’m also intrigued though not sure like is the right word, by Gilbert and George.

After the conversation I wondered why I’d used these three examples of what I like and began to realise that it has something to do with the portrayal of the human figure. In all three of my examples the human figure is usually central where it is less commonly so with Emin. Much of Emin’s work points to human presence but the figure is absent (the tent, the bed, the hut for example). However Quinn (the blood head), Emin and obviously Gilbert and George frequently portray themselves. I think Emin’s is so self obsessed (“I’ve got it all” for example) whereas Quinn is clearly focussed outward to a much greater degree (the Alisson Lapper and Peter Hull are stunning pieces!) I’m still not sure what it is: Quinn’s portrayal of Lapper and Hull are so unique, Gormley’s field seems to present us with thousands of replicants, and yet as craft objects each figure is unique, though in his work with casting (for example Critical Mass II) there is definitely anonymity of identical pieces. What are wargames figures? Like Critical Mass II they are cast pieces, but like field they are craft objects in as much as most wargamers paint their figures themselves. Another artist that intrigues me (again not sure like is the right word) is the Chapman brothers. They have used wargames figures in massive hell like dioramas (one simply called Hell). Their use of the human figure strips dignity away, using doll like figures in weird, obscene configurations, the best known being Fuck Face. These are so grotesque it is hardly surprising that an association of them with paedophilia has been made. Whilst Quinn’s work conveys a sense of beauty and dignity, and Gormley’s whilst conveying quantity can at times also indicate individuality, the Chapmans’ work seems to strip us of dignity and bathe us in violence and obscenity.

The second conversation reflected on the differences between gay porn and heterosexual porn beyond the most obvious. My thinking as we chatted was inevitably influenced by having just read the book on human trafficking by Paola Monzini. We explored power relations first reflecting that on initial thought heterosexual porn was more straightforwardly oppressive in that men were manipulating and using women whereas the absence of that clear divide made gay porn less oppressive, however it isn’t so simple in that. He said that the industry is exploiting people in at least two ways: first the young are being exploited and secondly eastern European migrants are being exploited. The Monzini book also refers to the exploitation of eastern Europeans. It also indicates that some traffic of women for prostitution is conducted by women. Clearly heterosexual porn portrays power and exploitation but many of the men in the films are among those being exploited. Pornography, be it gay or straight, is exploitative but the lines are not as clear as they might at first appear. Its exploitation is economic as well as sexual and is defined by age and nationality as well as by gender and orientation.

My friend suggested another problem and that is the permanence of the image. Should someone willingly participate and later regret it or unwillingly participate and later escape from that world the image remains out there in cyberspace, endlessly circulating, impossible to retrieve. In as much as that can happen to any misused image however obtained it is not peculiar to porn but it does seem, with the high likelihood of regret, to be a real problem with pornography. A writer (I forget who) on addiction suggested that an addiction to porn is harder to eradicate than an addiction to a substance in that the substance can be got out of your blood eventually but images remain forever in your head. So their presence in cyberspace is not the only issue, but their presence forever in the minds of the viewer.

So what of the human body in the light of these two conversations and my subsequent ref
read more...]]> 2008-01-04 00:00:00 GMT http://toolstolife.com/users/cedric/blog/viewpost/7238/ http://toolstolife.com/users/cedric/blog/viewpost/7098/ What do I want in 3 months time?

1. To live porn free

2. Begun to sort the sources of porn, booze, depression and anger through therapy

3. 12 stone in weight

4. Write a chapter on "deconstructing whiteness" for my PhD

5. Progress on my reading projects a. feminism, b. ethics, c. sex industry

6. fitter and healthier through regular exercise

7. stable and growing social network

8. clarity as to goals for church work

9. painted a Persian army for 10mm warmaster games

10. developed "general de brigade" game playing

11. get in the habit of taking responsibility not just for actions but also reactions to the crap that comes my way 

12. and the great imponderable.... better relationship with my (ex-?)wife

I remember reading in a Patrick Carnes book (can't recall which one) something to the effect that addicts are often good people with well integrated sets of ethical values. Their integrity being subverted only in the dimension of their addiction. I need to remind myself of this. I'm not a bad person!

I am coming more to terms with the tentative recollections of being abused as a child. This might help with the desired outcome I noted above.

Porn has been persistant the last week but only a tiny part of each day. I wish I could record clear days but at least I can record that its grip is significantly less and its domination of my time much reduced.

flu has meant I've not jogged for a week and I have therefore been out of my normal sequence. Kept up with hygiene but not prayed everyday or journalled everyday. Done tools evereyday though, except one.

so... mixed message; doing better than I was but not as well as I ought. 

but then got new phone, very nice one without needing to pay out much, nice chat with a friend on the phone, daughter came home and we went for a meal and to a concert.... no porn!

And today? Coach Steele talking about buttons! serendipity... oh yes! Monday was all about having my buttons pushed. When I take responsibility for my reactions the porn will have a significantly weaker hold as anger or sadness are key triggers.