This is my first day back on TTL. I gave up a while back. The truth is, when I get going on the right path, I get scared about succeeding. I don't know what I would do if something unexpected happened. Feeling crappy & depressed all the time is easier sometimes, not necessarily fun, but easy.
I've struggled with this eating disorder for a few years now. There were a lot of emotions that I didn't/don't know how to handle in the past few months & I honestly just feel like my life is pointless.
Life is just hard you know? I'm scared. Life fucking scares me. And I'm intimidated by everyone & it's hard even buying groceries.
I've been in treatment twice, so I know what I need to do. I'm constantly picking myself up & it's like a rollercoaster. I know how to overcome my self-destruction, but in few hours I'll be right back where I started & I'm wondering how much energy I have left.
I hate my body, & I know that just means I'm chanelling my anger on my body instead of dealing with my issues. Well, I'm gunna try my best to talk about them. I don't know, I feel like I've isolated for so long, that I really don't have any issues, I'm just a boring person. I don't know who I am anymore after defining myself with my eating disorder. I don't want this anymore. I want to commit, but I tried this before, how do I know I can do this?
Well, I know that journaling is a good way to get in touch with yourself, so I guess I'll just write about my day & go to sleep.
Lately I've been having insomnia. It takes me forever to get to sleep & when I finally do I sleep longer than I need to. I don't why.
So I slept til noon today. A postman came to my door, but I just kept sleeping. I felt really shitty because last night I had stuffed my face & I guess that's why I didn't want to wake up today.
I have a meal plan I'm supposed to follow, but after a binge, I feel so out of control & I don't know how to pick myself up or where to begin with my meal plan again. They say you're supposed to eat at the next scheduled time even if you're full from a binge...probably because if you make yourself eat at a scheduled time even when you don't want to, you're not eating because of emotions, you're doing it to get back on track.
But I just I don't know, today was just another bad day for food. I almost went to the store to get some food to binge on, but instead I bought healthy food for my meals.
I've probably spent a great minifortune on binge food. I really can't afford to get wasted anymore.
So, I only have healthy foods, but I can still eat them to make myself feel bad which is what I did tonight.
I guess I'm anxious about money. I moved into my apartment a month ago & still haven't unpacked. I haven't spoken with my sister in over a week because of a stupid disagreement & she's really the only support I have out here. I feel like betrayed that she isn't concerned more about me. I know she has her own life, but I can hear it in her voice & behavior that she's sick of having to pick me up everytime I'm struggling.
That just makes me feel like a failure.
Another thing that's haunting me is the death of my dog Gypsy. She died last August & her anniversary is coming up. I never let myself completely process her death because I wanted to make a photo album & create a memorial kind of thing to help me heal, but instead I've been zoning out my life & I so badly want to have something meaningful made for her anniversary.
I miss her so much & I cry everyday. She was my best friend & she wasn't even a year old. When I had no one, she was there you know? & losing someone that was there for me while I was trying to heal was the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life. You might say she was just a dog, but she was way more than that. I spent all of my time with her & she understood things I would say to her & I appreciated that so much. I tried my best to take of her & I failed. I feel like such a bad person.
I try to focus on the positive, I know this isn't helpful, but I don't know.
I spend most of my time in this apartment. School starts in two weeks. I've been to 3 different colleges & have dropped out of all of them. I want to be able to handle this & take on my dreams. I'm sick of life owning me. Just like this program, how do I know I can do it this time? If I fail, that's it. My parents will not help me anymore I know it.
I'm only going part time for this semester, but still, I'm worried.
I found a cockroach in my bathroom today for the second time. An exterminator is coming tomorrow thankfully!!! They are so gross.
So, tomorrow, I set my alarm & I'm going to get up. I just don't know what to do with myself after that.
I'm scared. I'm self-concious. I feel defeated & sad & lonely.
That's really all I have for today. I'll be back tomorrow. I think I'll continue to blog. It's what will help me keep myself intune. That's something I'll do different than last time.
Goodnight.