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Join Now I'm Tired by dobbywarnshryptr
 
dobbywarnshryptr
# # # #

Birth Date: Wed, Apr 26 1989

Place of residence:
Mesa AZ, United States (map)

I am: Single & Not Dating

Schools: Carl Sandburg High School; Northern Illinois University; Glendale Community College; The Art Institute of Phoenix

Jobs: White Castle; Jamba Juice; PA&T Insurance; Sonic; Delivering Flyers For ADT/RSVP Security


Certificates:
Tools Program Stats:
Member Since: 09/07/08
Last Login: 01/29/10
Viewed: 15384
Program in:
Program Progress: Day 42
dobbywarnshryptr's Challenges:

dobbywarnshryptr's Participating:
PFR Challenge
Personal Interests:
Music:
Books:
Favorite Places:
I Want To See:
Hobbies:
Activities:
Sports:
 
Movies:
TV:
Heroes:
I Want To Meet:
Tools Goal List:

Areas In My Life I Want To Work On

I Want To Quit Or Control

Skills I Am Interested In

I Suffer From

dobbywarnshryptr's Life List:
Join the peace corp.
Live in a completely enviornmentally friendly home.
Stick to a steady exercise regime. To always be continually active.
Use my time wisely. Don't sit around when I know there are things to do.
When there is an opportunity to accel, don't say I'll wait til next time.
Don't think so much, just do.
Bring drumming back into my life as a hobby, not a chore, for myself, not for others.
Get a job.
Once I get a job, save as much money as I can for a year & find a place in L.A. No unneccessary spending!!! Ask myself why/if I need this.
Don't complain. Know that I can't control other's actions but I can take control of mine, have the best intentions & be confident in my decisions. Take responsibility for myself, not others. Stop letting people rely on me. It's just a distraction/procratination from my own responsibilites. It's not being greedy, it's having boundaries. Learn how to rely on myself.
Study motorcycle handbook & get my permit.
Use the computer only as neccessary. Don't waste unproductive hours on it accomplishing nothing.
Don't take things to heart. Realize that other people's opinions are really about themselves, not you. Grow a thick skin. What is the purpose of shrinking just because I want everyone to like me. I will never be liked by everyone. Get rid of the people I have to try to be liked by & stick with the people I'm naturally liked by. What sense does it make to keep someone in my life that likes me because I'm altering who I am. The sooner I can train my instincts to realize this, the better off I'll be. It's nothing personal, it's just the way people click.
Master time-management. I know I can do it.
When a situation calls for a few extra steps than anticipated, don't try to make it work without the needed steps. THAT ONLY TAKES LONGER WHEN I REALIZE IT WON'T WORK & I HAVE TO TAKE THE EXTRA STEPS ANYWAYS!!!
Go to school & get a degree.
Work in movie production.
Learn how to remain internally peaceful in the most stressful situatioins.

Info

 
 
I'm Tired

 

 

3
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dobbywarnshryptr

  dobbywarnshryptr

Mon, Aug 31 12:04 AM

I'm Tired

 

It's 11:30pm right now.  I really want to go to sleep because I want to start my day off right tomorrow, but I really think it's important for me to squeeze a blog in.

 

I've been off the wagon, with Tools & with my "sobriety" for my eating disorder.  A few weeks back, I had the best week of my life.  In the past 3 years, I have never had a week that went by so smoothly.  I was taking care of myself & I was eating perfectly & exercising & continuously moving.  I don't really know what happened...well actually I do.  I got scared. 

 

I'm so used to the way things are right now.  I'm used to my bad habits/behaviors.  It's easier because I know what's coming - disappointment & self-loathing, & in a way it's almost comforting...in a disgusting way.

 

I also find that when I don't have food to turn to, I don't know what to do with myself.  I almost get sad because I don't know how else to cope.  I mourn my addiction.

 

I'm tired.  Not just tonight.  I'm tired of this addiction being part of who I am.  6 years ago I started making this addiction my identity...I defined myself by my addiction & started losing who I really was.  Since rehab a year & a half ago, I have been trying to redefine myself & figure out who I am again & when I see other people with little things like opinions or hobbies, I get jealous & freaked because I lost all of that when I fell into this.  That's why I come back to it time & again, because it's almost like it makes me feel included.

 

I hate it.  I fucking hate it.  Right now I'm looking at a bag full of spit up food & it makes me so ashamed & disgusted...& yes, tired.

 

I don't feel good when I do it, I don't feel happy with my life, it doesn't get me anywhere.  In fact, it just keeps me standing still.   It gives me the illusion that I've dealt with things when they are still there.

 

I remember this one analogy they gave us in rehab about being in a racing river holding onto a tree branch for dear life.  You're scared, but you have to let go & try swimming to the side to get out...you can't just stay there forever.  So you let go, you freak out & grab back on...you let go again paddle & splash & grab back on...you let go & start swimming to a point where the log is nowhere in reach & your only choice is to fight back & get to that shore unless you want to get pwned by that damn river.  So, I have to let go & try swimming again.  Because I seriously refuse to start drowning in the same things that almost killed me 6 years ago.

 

I am really fucking scared, but I have to keep using continuous motion.  I have to remember that.

 

I'm scared guys (exhale)

 

 

long pause...

 

(inhale)  CONTINUOUS MOTION!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

EATING DISORDER - I WILL FUCK YOU UP!!!!!  EAT TO LIVE, DON'T LIVE TO EAT!!!!!!!  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

(Here I go)

 

 

Gnite

xoxoxo

 

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comments

Great Post

Thanks for sharing.

 

Yes you have to swim, but let's keep taking swimming lessons as well.  Stick with Tools and do everything you can to build your muscles.

 

Keep posting and comment on cheer others and build a support group here.  

 

I'll check up on you. What you are facing is not easy, but you can and are doing it!

 

Supportng you...

 

Devlyn 

Thank You

I will keep taking swimming lessons.   Thank you for your supportive words.

 

Flower
 

 

 

~Kirsten~