Mary Magdalene

Today's lesson tripped me out a little bit. Yesterday, my friend and I were talking about the story of Mary Magdalene and her sister, so when I saw what today's lesson was about, my jaw dropped.  

Yes, I admit, I'm very critical and judgemental of people. And this is a lesson/habit that I learned from other people. People have this way of putting their yoke on you if you don't live your life to their standings. It is most frustrating.

I'm at a point in life where I don't have many friends. Not because I've done anything wrong to them, but because I don't trust people right now. Everyone that I have loved and been close too has hurt me severly within the last year. I gave of myself to them, and where are they now? Well, they're not with me. They don't call, write, check up on me. So, I've declared it as pretty much useless.

I heard a saying that we become what we hate. I never understood that remark until recently. I openly admit that I have become what I hate. I've become critical, judgemental, cold, selfish. I can take responsibility for this, but I also know that the people who have disowned me have a part in this as well.

So, what lesson have I learned? Choose my companions carefully, and test the waters before jumping in.

I still carry a lot of hurt with me, and I'm working on getting through this. It didn't help that I was fired during a time when rejection  was overflowing in my life. I remember telling one of my friends that my job was my savior. It's what kept me going. For a while, it was the reason I woke up in the morning. Was the reason I was fully functional. I actually looked forward to work because it gave me a sense of purpose.

But now, I've been unemployed for four months. I have one friend in real life. (Three if you count my parents.) And tons of friends on the internet. I almost prefer the internet friendships - I guess I find them to be safer.

Anyways, on a happier note, I called the city and got info about the free counseling they offer. I gave them my info and someone will be calling me soon to schedule an appointment with me. Yay! Hopefully this will be someone who will help me to make heads and tails of things cause right now, I just don't know about anything.

Ironic isn't it? I began Tools hoping that things would get better, but 55 days into it, I think I've actually gotten worse.  I guess I can add that to the list of things that are my fault too.

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