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Facing My Fears

2009-05-19 23:20:44 GMT

Tomorrow I am set to fly to vegas with my closest friends for my bachlorette party. I have had huge issues in the past with flying, and I am out to conquer one of my fears. This is really difficult for me, as I had a really bad flight on the way back from Australia... which has left me scarred. I'm praying I have the strength tomorrow, and to walk on the plane with confidence. I CAN DO THIS!

Fear of Death... Help!

2009-05-12 08:16:39 GMT

Ever since I was a little girl, I have had a fear of death and dying. Back then I would be terrified for my parents to leave on vacation and for me to stay over night at friends houses in fear that something might happen. It has escalated to the point to today where I think "well today might be the day, driving to.... I might die this way" or "oh I have a chest pain, I'm probably going to have a heart attack". I also look for "signs". For instance, I am getting married next month and my granny bought me an antique plastic bride and groom cake topper. When I went to get it from the car someone had stepped on it and the brides head was cut off. My fiance laughed at me for thinking anything about it, but those are the things that scare me and gives me panic attacks. It's hard for me to move pass my fear of this... does anyone else have the same problem?
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How is this not a problem?

2009-05-07 17:13:57 GMT

Today was an interesting one. I woke up early and got a good start to the day. I decided to take our dog zeus along to walk my fiance to the bus stop, so he could go to work . As soon as the bus drove off I realised Andrew had the keys to our house still in his pocket. Locked out in the rain with no phone or money... I started to run! Needless to say I can't run as fast as the bus, but persisted to keep running to the next bus stop 6 blocks away. With no luck of catching it I made the long treck back home, thinking how this is not a PROBLEM and more an opportunity.... oh I thought hard and tried to be positive about staying outside all day. But when I turned the corner of our house, I saw Andrew standing by our fence with a smile on his face. He had taken a cab back....

We have been very busy and haven't had much time for one another lately. I think it was an opportunity and moment to show that we still care and love eachother very much. Sometimes we get so caught up that we forget how fortunate we are.

Or maybe it was the opportunity to make me run to fit into my wedding dress? haha who knows

The Snowball

2009-05-06 20:32:23 GMT

Sometimes I get so caught up in my anxiety mess, that it's hard to remember what's real.

My mind is like a snowball rolling down the hill, catching every destructive piece it can before it finally crashes.

The demented thing is.... I feel relief when it does "crash", this is when I feel pure, fresh, and the most like me.

What can I do to stop this snowball effect?

I am starting to think I am addicted to this sick game of festering buildup, which eventually leads to me crumbling....and of course starting it all over again.

I'm looking for that sun to come melt the snow away.