i am a 37 year old man who still acts like a teenager.  i am having a hard time growing up.  i am a recovering drug addict and only been clean for about 3 months now.  i did have over 5 years but decided to throw it away because of my inablity to deal with certain situations.  so now here i am trying to start over even though i am much father along this time than i was when i first got clean almost 8 years ago. i dont have a lot of trust in myself and would love to change that, it just seems i am not willing to change certain things in my life i know i need to stop to get the things i desire.  i know that i am getting closer, but frustration sets in everytime i fall back into this old behavour, which i shouldnt say old because i am still doing it.  my obsession with it is so overwhelming sometimes, that it seems i just cant control myself.  i sit here and watch myself doing exactly what i dont want to do.  i try to tell myself to stop, but i go ahead and do it any way.  well that is a little of my story.  i know i will change soon.

i was a real bad drug abuser and that was all i know.  i started getting hi when i was 11 and continues until i was 30 so i have a lot of that habit in me.  almost 20 years of doing something and acting a certain way is difficult to change.  i loved being fucked up, it made me feel so good.  that was all i wanted.  i didnt want to feel anything or deal with anything.  i didnt have any clue about spirituality, and i actually thought that emotionally and mentally were the same thing.  i never understood when i was in rehab why they would ask us how we felt emotionally and meantally when they were the samething.  i was completely confused, and didnt have a clue about anything.  i do know the difference now, by the way.  my life sucked backed then.  i couldnt work, i couldnt take care of myself and i couldnt deal with people.  i was such a scared indivual.  i was and still am very sensitive. it didnt take much to hurt my feelings, and i am still very sensitive, but not nearly as much.  well im not sure what else to say about my past.  plain and simple, i was a junkie who didnt know anything about anything.

my future looks rather well.  i am looking to go back to school which i am very excited about.  i am gonna become a professional golfer.  i am so excited about it.  i have had this dream for a long time but never had the ability to go for it.  i am ready now and i cant wait.  i can see myself with a very special women at some point, and hopefully i can try again to raise a child.  i would love the chance again.  i know i am becoming the person that someone would love to have in their life and i am working hard to become that.  i am very scared about the future, but not as scared as i was. m im not sure if it is ok to be scared, but i am.  i guess its ok.  i am just trying to stay as positive as i can, and keep moving foward, and do my best not to look back.