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Join Now I have a great job great girlfrined and still i feel like shit and make the wrong decisions. by emcee2
 
emcee2
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Birth Date: Thu, Dec 27 1984

Place of residence:
hamilton ontario, Canada (map)

I am: In Relationship

Schools: mohawk college

Jobs: tattoo artist

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Member Since: 08/14/09
Last Login: 05/10/10
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to be the best i can be and be very successful and happy and what i choose as my career
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I have a great job great girlfrined and still i fe

 

 

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emcee2

  emcee2

Tue, Nov 24 01:06 PM

I have a great job great girlfrined and still i feel like shit and make the wrong decisions.

 Today's tools really helped me out to realize that i always use excuses to be lazy, excuses to indulge in things that i know aren't good for me and excuses to let myself down. Today i am on day 2 of quitting smoking when i should be on day 76. on Halloween i had my first cigarette in 2 months and ever since i have had at least 1 cigarette per week and last week was really bad because there were a couple of days where i had 5 or 6. I realize now after getting in a pointless fight with my girlfriend on the weekend, because i was drunk and high and had smoked, that i was projecting my anger at myself, onto her, and ended up ruing the whole weekend. I dont know why but ll my life i have made excuses for the way i act and the position that i in but ive always known deep down that its all my fault. the most frustrating part is hat i can see myself doing these things as they happen and i can see the aftermath but i cant seem t stop myself at the time. Like smoking, i hae quit before for a year and a half, and i have qut since a few dozen times for weeks and months at a time but there seems to come a time and it can come at any moment, when i just can seem to control myself. even before i bum the cigarette i know its a bad idea. as im sticking it in my mouth and lighting it i know it a bad idea and while im smoking it i know it would be a bad idea to finish it but i still do and after i smoke the cigarette i feel like a sack of shit. there have been times like this with me doing illegal activities and while its going and even before i o it i know its bad but i still continue on, continue on to do things to hurt myself.  i wonder if it has something to do with me being pissed off about my best friend dying in front of me when i was a teen, or about my dad beating me as a kid, or maybe its because my friends in high school use to treat me like a punching bag, these are all plausible reasons for my bad behavior but they are also excuses, excuses i use to have a bad attitude and ruin my life. It feels like if im not constantly watching my actions and controlling what im doing that ill do bad things and i feel like it to much work and makes for a dull life if your constantly trying to control everything, i don know how successful people do it, if they are just born with the ability to always do good things, to work hard and to havea positive attitude or if they are just like me and its something the constantly have to work on, on a minute to minute , second to second basis. 

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# Tags: consistancy, Smoking, bad attitude, girlfriend, bad decisions, weed, red dragons, Jason Ellis

 

This post is cheered by:

Brenda.Griffin Brenda.Griffin JadeDragon (canceled account) JadeDragon (canceled account) RPowers RPowers


 

comments

Brenda.Griffin Brenda.Griffin:

Keep at it.....do your best...you'll get there!

I'm glad you came back to do another tools day.  I hope you keep coming back.  Tools is a great program.

 

Your question on how successful people do things is an interesting one. It's a question that will be answered as you progress through tools.....(realizing that sounds like a cop out answer).

 

So to give you some incentive, here is something to think about - we are all people.  We all want the same things.....and we all have to work for what we want. So the question becomes.....do we want what we want?  If so, are we willing to do the work....little by little everyday?  And when we slip and fall, get back up and begin again without judging ourselves?

 

When you know what you want, doing the work to get there becomes rewarding....and fun. Scary at times....but rewarding...satisfying....empowering....life giving.

 

Successful people are just like you.....and you can be just like them.....decide what you want, then chip away day by day, moment by moment and watch the good things add up.

 

Are you wiling to come back and do another tools day....then come back again and again?  You can go at your own pace.....work on the checklist... then add another day when you are ready.  Sound like a plan?

 

I hear you I hear you

wedid wedid:

Your not alone

As I struggle with my own issues and unresolved baggage from the past that keeps weighing me down. I recognize your struggle all too well. But what I have discovered is that what I am doing in giving in to messages from the past from others who have beaten me down is fulfilling their projection of who I am. And that's really where the anger comes from giving in to their negative messages and fulfilling them. That's not who you are and that's not who I am. Don't let the bad guys win! Be yourself, love and care for yourself and have fun being who you are. Easy for me to say but not easy for me to do either.

emcee2 emcee2:

thanks guys

im back on tools after months of abstenence because of some things that recently occured in my life that are really bring me down, read my next blog to hear all about it.