Well, I just finished day 49 and its amazing that I did. Yesterday was a tough day--one that almost caused me to give up on a lot of things! Thank God its over and after 1 nightmare last night (my 3rd or 4th night in a row w/ nightmares); and near panic attacks (only near, though!)...I made it to today and to the Light! Hallelujah! I'm grateful to the Lord for that.
There have been so many things going on-a sibling going through hard and crazy marital problems after 30 years of marriage. I had a thyroid biopsy (negative, thank God!) ; all Holiday plans all messed up...just a bunch of things. I tried journaling yesterday a couple of times and outside of a few words here and there the majority of it all was, "I don't know."
Clueless is what the feeling is like. I came so close to just losing faith yesterday. I called a friend and although we didn't talk about the problem (we'll meet in a couple of days for that), she prayed for me and that I have courage. Boy, did that help...that's exactly what I needed was courage. Courage to face everything that's going on i my life right now. Even the courage to tell myself the truth...and to hear the truth even from others.
And someone did tell me the truth...ouch. One of the things they said was that I did not have enough room in my life for a husband or for friends (the friends part I didn't agree with). But the husband part (I'm single) made me stop and think...hmm...that's true. And what's also true is that I don't want to change my vision for my life--it's what i'm working hard to get to. SO, maybe I won't have a husband.
then a lot of women around me started flipping out with their spouses/mates, and I began to think...hmmm...maybe I really don't want a husband. Now (right now), I'm thinking...forget this husband thing!!! I want to just relax, have fun and enjoy everyday without all the craziness that's going on in these couples around me!
Yes, I want the love, intimacy, etc. but man, it seems like such a high price to pay! between who's mate doesn't want to go to work, doesn't want to pay the bills, doesn't care, doesn't want her to have friends, etc!!!
I don't know. But what I do know is that I want to continue on with my plans and forget this crazy idea of looking for someone. If he shows up and I fall madly in love :o) (very hollywoodish) great. But if not...I want to enjoy life no matter what. I want to make friends, laugh, love and move on forward from a day like yesterday into an even greater tomorrow.
Tomorrow night..salsa dancing. Friday..a heart to heart with a friend. Saturday...maybe home watching a movie. Sunday...church. It's all good.
Oh and the breakthrough? Getting a revelation that i can be happy alone!
and the fact that i lost 2 lbs ain't bad, either!!!
