What brought about this pain?  Facebook is stupid.  That is a fact.  Infidelity is much easier to deal with when you are oblivious to it.  It's been easy for me to say that the indiscretions that have taken place in my head about my wife are motivated by her pursuit of happiness.  It makes sense and it is the perception I chose to accept to make my daily existence easier.  But seeing friend acceptances of old boyfriends, hearing about vacations to Cabo while my daughter is hanging out with the in-laws is real right now, and it sucks.  

I'd be lying if I said I thought my wife isn't attractive.  But the twisted sense of humanity that pervades her every being is sad.  Not in the boo hoo, or a sense of pity; it's similar to "Return of the Jedi" where you see the twisted, contorted mass that was once the powerful Vader.  My wife is Darth Vader.  

Spirituality requires faith.  Even Buddhism requires faith.  It asks of it's participants to continue practicing zazen and have faith that it will have an effect on you as a person.  I feel that it's even asking of me to have faith in humanity, but I don't.  It's not that I see our imperfections and am disappointed.  It is that I see our imperfections and a total lack of commitment to find solutions to those imperfections.  It is that we continue to relish in those imperfections further creating hurt.  Pain.  My original goal was to create a better me.  Complete in every way, with the intention of holding onto all that which has made me who I am.  My goal was even to release all this anger and pain and come out at the end of all this a nicer version of me without change of my somewhat lighthearted sense of humor and a greater sense of understanding for my fellow man/woman.  But that isn't happening.  I don't believe in a soul.  But if I did have one, it would be riddled with scars, hardened by the damage my insides are taking.  I'm trying to come out of all this with the same sense of self, but it's not working out that way.  

Society is our attempt at achieving a higher plane of existence.  We create, we improve, we make living comfortable.  But what I see is apparent is that in our creation of comfort, we have just created a more advanced arena for our animalistic nature to play in.  What started out as a means to where we could organize and help the less fortunate has been twisted into a game of gimme gimme gimme for adults.  I've been buried in Thoreau's "Walden" and his insight into "civilized vs. savage," is astounding.  The indigenous people of Connecticut didn't have the luxury of columns, libraries, etc., but they also didn't have individuals without places to sleep.  The savages didn't have churches to worship in, butchers to portion out the T-bones, but they did maintain the natural order of their surroundings, and no one in their collective community went hungry.  Between the two comparisons, where is savagery most apparent.  

You look at the condition in our present day and while we may have had 200 yrs to surpass the quaintness of Thoreau's time, the savagery in our modern day to day life is, in my opinion, very apparent.  We still have the hungry.  We still have the homeless.  We still have sick who are not cared for.  Every disaster has at it's origin, the intent to create good.  So where do we fuck it all up?  Why do we fuck it all up?  It's that notion, of which we are all guilty of, that we neglect to see the present for what it is.  We reflect on the past hoping that with enough reflection, we will discover what we did "wrong."  We aspire and expect for the future and then we fly in to fits of rage when the outcome we were expecting fails to come to fruition.  I am struggling with these same sins daily.  By my calculations, based on my determinations of the laws of cause and effect, should not be where I am right now.  I get angry at what my life has become because by my understanding, my life shouldn't be as fucked up as it is.  But therein lies the problem.  My understanding of cause and effect are wrong.  They are missing components that I don't understand; life is telling me that these elements are things I don't necessarily need to understand.  Why?  Because regardless of whether I will or have understood things before, they have no bearing on what has come about.  The effect is here and now.  The only thing hindering my ultimate ascent into glory and happiness is that I can't accept it.  Even as my functioning mind accepts and reasons this fact out, my ego cannot let it go.  It is why I am suffering now.  

Fudo

Today is the day that most people choose to undertake new ventures and improve the unsatisfying aspects of their lives.  Like most things that we arbitrarily decide to improve, we neglect the importance of consistency and our good intentions fall by the way side.  

But for the majority of the day, I reflected on love.  When you fall out of love, it's such a traumatic event.  It reverts back to the feeling that I discussed previously about the dismantling of the self that takes place.  But I had to examine if it was truly love that was being dissected from my being.  Throughout the day, I got texts, phone calls, emails from all these people that knew about my life predicament and they just wanted to let me know that I was in their thoughts.  I spent the majority of the day with my kid, and even though I hear it everyday in passing, she has no qualms to let me know that she loves her daddy.  So is my life really lacking in the department of love?  No.  It is lacking in the sector that we all enjoy; passion.  Passion is such a motivating emotion.  It occupies your thoughts when you are engulfed in it's caress.  It heightens your senses to the point where you can recall all the elements that make up that specific memory for your recall.  It's exhilarating.  We all have different thresh holds of our ability to recall that passion.  For some, like myself, the aromatic essence, beyond the perfume and lotion of a female is intoxicating.  The way my fingertips can brush across her skin and the warmth I feel is comforting.  The times when you randomly awaken in the middle of the night to see her neck and her pulse as her juggular vein moves in unison with her heart is enlightenment.  And when you place your somewhat awkward lips and cause her to giggle ever so slightly from your meager attempt at romance is what you fiend for when you are abandoned by that same person.  

Passion causes the madness that brews when you reflect on all these things that you have now been forced to lose.  It eclipses all the things that you do have.  It makes you forget what it is that is in front of you.  

My purpose in following what it is you have to offer in your teachings is not enlightenment.  I view enlightenment like the first time I got laid.  It's wonderful.  In that moment, it encompasses all; the meaningful, the meager, the mundane.  But as soon as that release is completed, the horrors as well as the menial, and wonderful all fall back into place.  All is forced to recenter themselves.  With my time left, I don't want to seek the material.  I don't want immortality, but at the same time, I also have that need where I don't want to be forgotten.  Is that even an answer as to what life is about?  I have wants to not want.  

As with everyone else, I have "goals" as to what I wish to have changed.  More than those goals, I just want to make it out of this alive.  I want to make it out of this part of life with some semblance of compassion and hope that I come out a little more grounded.  

To the New Year.

Fudo

Dear Buddha:

I read a book a couple of months ago by Robert Pirsig called Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.  In it, there is a discussion that takes place on what it is that constitutes a soul.  In a rudimentary way, a soul is supposed to be the defining factor that makes up who you are.  But after a revealing supposition, it’s determined that there isn’t anything that we can constitute as a soul.  The example used was a motorcycle (of all things).  Stripped down to it’s most minute components, no one stand alone cog, wheel, spoke, or cylinder on it’s own could be solely defined as the soul of a motorcycle.  When applied to any other object, by definition, in it’s most empirical elements, no one element alone could make up the essence of anything. 

This makes the utmost of sense when analyzed and applied to any object of importance or usage.  But how does this apply to me and how I’m feeling?  While I have no true insight as to the intent of the treatment my wife has inflicted upon me, the repercussions of the actions she has chosen to undertake have one defining element that I feel on a day to day basis; the calculated manner in which they are deconstructing every aspect of my life.  We begin with the material world, my earthly possessions that were obtained with a life that we CHOSE to build together.  From my singular perspective, her choice to use our family savings for shopping sprees, new credit cards and their associated statements being mailed to our place of business, and late night outings to who knows where, to me seem all calculated to bring upon my demise.  Another perspective is that she is purely selfish and seeks only to fulfill her idea of happiness by spending money.  Either way, the result, regardless of whether I choose to view her actions as a need to attain happiness or through a belief that she is cold-blooded, is that what I’ve spent time, energy, and life on is being dwindled away.  When I look at how she calls her friends and gloats about her friend’s misguided ways of using men for their money, and the awe and laughter she achieves from their experiences, it chips away at my belief that we as humans are all inherently good.  I have countless other examples all related to my self-esteem, my standing in life, etc., but I think you get the drift.  With the stated examples, how is it that if no singular portion, memory, or personality trait is inherently the “soul” of who I am, why is it that the destruction of these components is so evident to the point where it is changing my illusory make up of who I am?

I would be lying if I said, each day as more and more of these experiences pile up, that I don’t find it harder to find laughter in each day.  There is definitely a seed of resent that is populating my mental garden and it’s starting to be  a huge pain in the ass to continue weeding it out, all based on faith that things will get better.  To evaluate, and create an expectation based on faith is not a hope that I wish to see not met.  And as far as expectations go, it’s been made evident that to have faith in them is utter foolishness. 

Why is the dismantling of these things that made me the person who I believe I am or was, so important?  I’ve read and studied that to forgive and let these things go is the path to the freedom that I seek.  But I can’t let them go.  It’s not the delusion that I call “Fudo/Steve” that I am seeking to hold onto.  It’s the failure of the idea of “me” with respect to society, family, and to the moral idea of what it is to be happy that I’m holding onto.  The act of failure is not one I fear; it’s the possibility that I won’t recover from failure that creates my daily anxiety, my quiet despair. 

I know that one piece does not completely define who it is I am.  But what I don’t know is if all of what I’ve come to believe is “me” is taken apart, will what remains still be considered anything at all?

I close with a saying that inspires and motivates, and at the same time creates doubt.read more...]]> 2009-12-30 23:09:40 GMT http://toolstolife.com/users/Fudo617/blog/viewpost/22169/ http://toolstolife.com/users/Fudo617/blog/viewpost/22158/ Needless to say, my life is still in shambles.  I'm not complaining.  Just stating facts.  I decided that I'm gonna try an experiment where via a pseudo-journal I write to the Buddha (inside of me, kind of like a prayer), in the hopes that I'll be able to piece some shit together.  I hope it's amusing for readers, but most importantly, I hope it'll help me figure some shit out.  NOTE:  I say Buddha inside me because The Buddha said his attainment of enlightenment (how he was then named "Buddha"), was an intangible that everyone can obtain.  All the answers reside in the understanding of ourselves.  

Dear Buddha:

I still haven't found what I'm looking for.  I don't even know what it is I'm looking for.  I'm searching for meaning in my life, but am plagued by the demands and expectations that society requires of us, it's citizens.  I've now spent the better part of 6 months blindly searching and undertaking things, activities, etc. in the hopes that an answer will fall into my lap.  

I look at how I got here, and like everything significant that happens, I was thrown into this position despite all my attempts to avoid it.  My intention with marriage was not to get divorced.  My intention with going into business with my wife was to maintain a secure financial position.  But despite what my intentions were, they changed into expectations that are now just royally fucked.  I've spent the last 6 years under the impression that my professional goals were noble and for the good of my family.  I'm now coming to realize that I was a close employee who made good money for my in-laws.  Even looking back on my marriage, it seems I was too soft.  Unconditional acceptance breeds contempt in my opinion.  It's something that can be given freely, but when you expect the same from someone else, it ends in disappointment.  

Going forward, I have nothing but great fear.  I expect hardship, but feel I'm not prepared to face it.  I've done a lot of personal investigation and can plainly see the pitfalls that befuddle man, but am somewhat powerless to determine what it is to do about them, and ultimately, realistically how those delusions will affect me and my goals for what I want to spend my life doing.  My only goal really is to find a niche where I contribute my energy and my life for a purpose that can ultimately serve my fellow man.  But how does one do that?  I watched "Up in the Air" today and was blown away by how easily we are conditioned into our own perverse realities where we waste away our precious time doing duties for a conglomerate that sees us as faceless cogs in a perpetual machine.  I've subjected the last 6 years of my life in the delusion that I was self-employed only to find that we all answer to someone, who answers to someone else whose only goal is the bottom line.  

To make matters worse, I'm plagued at home by my uber unhappy marriage.  I've made a personal agreement to not pass judgment on anyone; especially my wife.  But the same cannot be said about her.  It hurts hearing all about my shortcomings.  It angers me to hear about how I spend money on stupid things (ie: yoga classes, buddhist books, fast food), and while I can agree to some extent, I'm then subjected to the name brand clothing, shoes, accessories, and facial products that are then classified as a "business expense."  I steam at the double standards, yet for the most part am powerless (or too cowardly) to say anything about it.  Through compassion, an understanding can be reached.  At least that is my interpretation from your teachings.  But why do I feel like such a bitch/pussy/wuss?  I'm being walked all over, and while it only really affects my financial outcome (material world shit that is impermanent), I have a hard time letting that aspect of my life go.  

I grow more and more weary of not having a direction to go.  I tire of being lost.  But most of all, I am tired of who I am right now.  I'm so fucking tired of being scared.  I don't have the stamina to feign positivity.  I'm angered at how easily it is that my daughter (4 yrs old) can be bought off by her mother with Barbies, clothes, etc.  I look into the mirror and in my reflection I see the last 2 years, 1 month, and 6 days that I have endured without sex.  I don't pity (or self-pity) the reflection.  I loathe him.  Not for the apparent loss in focus.  Not for the depression that he attributes to being lonely/lazy.  I loathe him because I don't know who he is.  I don't know who
read more...]]> 2009-12-30 16:42:09 GMT http://toolstolife.com/users/Fudo617/blog/viewpost/22158/ http://toolstolife.com/users/Fudo617/blog/viewpost/21891/ It's been a while since I last posted anything, so I wanted to revisit and let those of you who read my shit know that I'm still alive.  I've somewhat recentered myself and have dragged myself out of my slump.  Sort of.  

I'm at a point where I'm faced with a decision.  I don't want to delude you into thinking that this decision will carry magnanimous repercussions, but it sure as hell seems like it, right here and now.  My goal is to be free from attachment from the materialistic nature of society.  In the near future, because of my marital "fun" I know that I will have to look for a job/career.  My problem is that I'm not searching for something that will provide me with millions or even hundreds of thousands of dollars.  I want meaning.  But I'm conflicted because my desire to have a purpose with meaning is counter balanced by all that surrounds my everyday life.  I see nothing but lives motivated by greed, self fulfillment, etc.  My practice in Buddhism is supposed to encourage me to see that these selfish intentions are based in ignorance and to exude compassion.  But I'm not there yet.  I see rampant assholes, an abundance of douche bags, and I see the suffering they inflict on others as well as themselves.  I'm not supposed to be angry about it, but I am.  

To close on a somewhat lighter note, can someone explain to me when it became cool to be a douche bag?  I went bar hopping with some friends last weekend for one of my boys who turned 21.  Just to preface all this, I've had the same haircut and have been working on my tatts for the last 10 yrs.  I didn't get the memo that stated that the style I've been sporting for the last decade somehow became the uniform for all douche bags.  Complete with variances in the form of Tap Out and Affliction t-shirts.  So what differentiates individuality vs. douche-bag-ality?  It's a thin line that divides self-confidence (which is something beneficial) and pure unadulterated arrogance.  It's pretty apparent as to what separates the two.  

As was customary, but something I haven't done in a while, here is a brief list of shit I'm thankful for:

1. Females with Auburn hair.
2. Delicate hands.  We often times focus on eyes, smiles, proportionate noses, breasts, etc.  We forget that beautiful hands sometimes are alluring as well.
3. Yoga classes and the outfits on young, nubile females that attend college that participate in said yoga classes.  Not meant to sound so sexual, but the female form when taken care of in this art is a beautiful thing.
   
4. I'm thankful I'm comfortable enough with my sexuality to be the only male in a yoga class. 
   

Ever hear the song?  It's a great song!  Ironically, the lyricist decided to indulge in the pleasures of drugs and unfortunately died because of it.  One of my four books I picked up on my shopping day was a book by Noah Levine called Against the Stream.  For anyone interested in philosophy, I highly suggest giving it a read.  

Today's blog is going to be all over the place.  I'm attempting to address things as they come up in my mind so that I can end my day with a sense of accomplishment; at least spiritually/mentally.  A friend of mine, who knows kinda what I'm going through, asked me today how it is that I'm keeping my shit together.  She busted out a list of all the things that aren't fair, aren't humane, etc. and asked me how it is that I'm not completely losing my mind.  The only answer I could think of was that life was catching up with me.  This comment completely confused her because she has known me for almost half my life, and by her recollection, there wasn't anything she remembers me doing that could have equated my life being the mess it is right now.  My explanation is that for the past 31 odd years, I haven't experienced any real hardships.  I had a childhood devoid of money (aka: we were dirt poor), but I got to miss all the things that most people got to go through.  I didn't have any divorces to deal with, I had no major deaths because most of my extended relatives were too far away to have a real relationship with and as far as grandparents go, they had already passed.  Life is a series of hardships filled with pain (physical and emotional), and the inequities we bestow upon each other.  There is no such thing as life happening to you.  Life is just happening.  I'm just not taking this shit personal.  It doesn't mean that I enjoy the stuff that is happening.  It also doesn't mean that I'm disregarding the things happening.  It just means I'm accepting that this is happening right here and now.  It will all pass.

What makes our experiences so difficult to process is that at the moment they are occurring, we forget that life is all about change; there is no permanence in life.   I touched on it yesterday, but control is the pursuit of trying to maintain a sense of power; to wield the elements of life.  As Levine put it in his book, "to seek out pleasure and averse pain and suffering."  But a full life consists of both the moments of great pleasure and great pain.  If we escape that which pains us, do we ever fully grasp the pleasure and how we need to appreciate those moments?

I'll jump to a topic that brings me great pleasure since I felt I spoke enough about my aversion to pain.  My (ex) wife is under the impression that enough money will bring her the elements in her life that are lacking.  But how much does it cost to bring about a genuine smile?  When you bring about that moment of a genuine smile, knowing that you are the procuring cause of that smile, how does that make you feel?  Can you put a price tag on that?  I bring smiles to my daughter because I have tattoos on my fingers that are like whiskers.  When I put them up to my face, it looks like I have a fu man chu, and the kiddo starts laughing so hard that she loses her breath.  BTW, I use the same technique at the gym when I see an attractive female.  Haven't tried it at the bars yet, but I intend to when my current nightmare draws to a close.  But when a woman uses those facial muscles to exhibit those pearly whites, followed by a demure giggle, is there anything that can match that in terms of something you can buy at Nordstroms?  Whew!  Got to appreciate those moments!

So I hope everyone takes advantage of the day and writes their words on the face of today.  

Peace

We often times fall into the trap that there is uniformity in the way that we conduct our lives.  In a sense, it's true that we go through society with as much uniformity as possible (or at least that is what we get force fed).  Cars come in paid packages, but you can't really stray from the offered models.  Ed Hardy shirts are what is fashionable now (I hope.  Shows you what I know about style right?).  Megan Fox is the epitome of beauty.  But the truth is, even though this is the norm, it's not what all of us want.  Logic, rationale, etc. falls into the same category.  Example:  went to my buddy's daughter's birthday party.  He had his neighbors over, and as parents they thought it was acceptable to send their 18 yr old daughter on a weed run.  When I asked if they were joking, they told me it was cool; because she is 18.  This event, in their train of thought, was acceptable and justifiable (on the mere fact that she was 18), and for all intents and purposes, illustrated a form of logic.  However, it isn't (and hopefully not yours either) my perspective on logic.  

So who gives a fuck?  How does this apply to everyday life, and what we as individuals are trying to accomplish with "Tools?"  Regardless of your personal opinions about people's level of intelligence, and their ability to act "appropriately," you have to keep in mind that people like this surround us at all times.  Just because your sense of logic greatly differs from theirs doesn't make their existence in your immediate area of life any less apparent.  Mainly, I think it's important to keep in mind that logic isn't set in stone as we all wish it would be.  There is no code of conduct that applies when it comes to how we think, and how we think is what logic is all about.  

I'll tidy this up by saying that even though our sense of logic differs, our sense of morality does have a common thread.  We may all have different ideas of what is acceptable and what isn't, but I think if we were mindful of one another, maybe the shitty things that happen at the hands of others wouldn't be so common place.  Like Coach Steele says, when you're setting goals, don't be solely focused on the goal that you let life pass you by.  The same could be said about how we interact with one another.  Maybe if we took the 3 minutes out of our mad rush day in and day out, we could notice the neighbor's kid running after the tennis ball.  Maybe if we weren't so egotistical, we wouldn't give the dad who is at cheerleading, who has never applied make up before, a little break.  Especially since he is taking over mom duties as she parties in NY with her new boyfriend (Yeah.  It's hard not to take that one personal).  It's nice to have our own pity parties and feel like our woes are exponentially worse than the people around us.  The truth is, this shit passes.  It always does.  Is there anything in your life that is as permanent as you perceived it to be?  Is your significant other the same as he/she was when you first started dating?  Is that job that you were so excited to get when you first started as great now as it was then?  This is life.  Nothing ever stays the same, and when you bag on your fellow man/woman because you perceive your shit to be stinkier than theirs, it just causes suffering.  So suck it up folks!  Get through that wall!  There's always more to come.

Thanks to creativeamp for reminding me to keep up with the blogs and updates.  They've kinda taken a back seat the last couple of days as things have snowballed.  What I tried to do for those days, is to keep a level head and attack what I can and prioritize as best as I could the things that were trying to kick my testes.  Not sure what the final outcome is, but I'm still breathing.  

So I'm still stuck in this uber unhealthy environment I call a "home."  I know in my gut how unhealthy it all is, but the positive I'm taking out of it is my endurance at being a professional "me."  It's easy to be professional when you're in a good place, surrounded by good people, who want to do "good."  It's a whole another story when you are surrounded by miserable people who want company at the pity party.  My wife is in a sad state.  She's at a place in her life where she isn't taking responsibility for anything.  You know people like this.  On the outside, they are put together, organized, beautiful, and they seem to have everything going for them.  The flip side is that we all have our insecurities, things that we can improve, and fears.  It's part of life.  The two ways you can deal with it are:

1)  Accept it for what it is.  Endure the misery and make no attempt to enforce change.

2)  Take action.  It's a slow process.  It's a difficult process.  It hurts; a lot.  

I'm not praising how great I am for trying to take action.  It's just something I'm choosing to do.  In her case, she finds all aspects of her life to try and blame why and how she is miserable.  It makes me sad.  Even through all the shit she is trying to pin on me, even through all the horribly nasty things she says, the fights she instigates, the insults, inside she is hurting, and it's the type of hurt that comes from the self.  There is no magic pill, there is no solution other than to to attack the things that are making your life shitty one by one.  

As always:  My grateful list.

• HALLOWEEN!!!  Even though the moments in purgatory (aka: my house) were painful, I got to spend time with my daughter and the Ink crew.  BTW, what happened to full size candy bars?
• B-day party for my little girl's friend Zooey.  Steak Fajitas + Burgers + 7 layer dip + Corona, Tecate, Jack & Coke = more time at the gym for me.
• Did I mention Halloween?  In a college town?  Thank you to all the ladies who felt it was necessary to bring back "sexy."  For the ladies who weren't sexy, but tried to bring it back anyways, 10 pts for effort. 
  
• "This year, Halloween fell on a weekend, me and Geto Boys are trick or treating...."  for those of you who know some more, feel free to contribute in the comments.  RED DRAGONS!!
• Ladies with them light eyes.  I don't care if they are contacts.  Tinted windows to the soul are still magnificent and beautiful.

As bizarre as this last part might sound, give your friends and family some love in the form of a hug.  Got my first one in about 2 months from my girl Rikki.  She's Peruvian, and EXTREMELY hott.  We're friends because I'm old, asian, and she has a boyfriend, but she gives amazing hugs.  They're the kind that warm your intestines and kinda melt you from the inside out.  She smells phenomenal as well.  There isn't anything better than the smell of a woman who takes care of herself.  Wish I had pics to share, but I don't.  Things move at a blinding pace these days.  It's what we call the present, and what the people in the past called the future.  But one thing hasn't changed: the smell of a beautiful woman, the shimmer from a pair of glorious eyes, the feminine shape that has a strut and swagger as opposed to a walk = things that drive men to do stupid shit.  It motivates us to be cooler than we really are.  It makes us spend that extra 15 minutes at the gym.  It helps us push out that one more rep.  It gives us second thoughts on that 3rd or 4th beer.  In essence and reality, it instills in us passion.  

• INk Crew.  Thanks for keeping my mind off of my life.

• The insanely cute girl who works out at Gold's.  Thanks for always greeting me with that immaculate smile.

Keeping it short today.  Not feeling 100%.  I don't even know why I'm blogging this.  In closing, I just want to say I love natural boobs.  Please ladies, don't fuck with the perfection that nature provided.  You're messing with a formula that has been tried and true for generations.  TOOL will tell you to love yourself for you, and I am a proponent who will love you all for you as well.  Thank you for being feminine, smelling good, and strutting with the swivel in your hips that bring grown men like me to tears.