I'm in a lot of pain today. Not physical pain, but a lot of emotional pain. I spent most of my day organizing what I could with regards to my life. But throughout the day, the pain kept coming and going. It helped to recognize all that which is impermanent with relation to pain, but that's not to say that it made accepting pain any easier.
What brought about this pain? Facebook is stupid. That is a fact. Infidelity is much easier to deal with when you are oblivious to it. It's been easy for me to say that the indiscretions that have taken place in my head about my wife are motivated by her pursuit of happiness. It makes sense and it is the perception I chose to accept to make my daily existence easier. But seeing friend acceptances of old boyfriends, hearing about vacations to Cabo while my daughter is hanging out with the in-laws is real right now, and it sucks.
I'd be lying if I said I thought my wife isn't attractive. But the twisted sense of humanity that pervades her every being is sad. Not in the boo hoo, or a sense of pity; it's similar to "Return of the Jedi" where you see the twisted, contorted mass that was once the powerful Vader. My wife is Darth Vader.
Spirituality requires faith. Even Buddhism requires faith. It asks of it's participants to continue practicing zazen and have faith that it will have an effect on you as a person. I feel that it's even asking of me to have faith in humanity, but I don't. It's not that I see our imperfections and am disappointed. It is that I see our imperfections and a total lack of commitment to find solutions to those imperfections. It is that we continue to relish in those imperfections further creating hurt. Pain. My original goal was to create a better me. Complete in every way, with the intention of holding onto all that which has made me who I am. My goal was even to release all this anger and pain and come out at the end of all this a nicer version of me without change of my somewhat lighthearted sense of humor and a greater sense of understanding for my fellow man/woman. But that isn't happening. I don't believe in a soul. But if I did have one, it would be riddled with scars, hardened by the damage my insides are taking. I'm trying to come out of all this with the same sense of self, but it's not working out that way.
comments
I don't know.....
Fudo, that was really deep. I knew it took a lot of courage to post this blog. I have never been married, but I know how you feel. I've been there before with a woman that I deeply loved.
My advice is just don't give up on improving "you" homie. Karma will bite her in the butt one day. Just you wait.
Sincerely,
Joc