So yeah...HUGE bump

I have been quite inconsistent with logging into Tools and of course that also means I've been lax about everything else on my checklist. I have been picking and choosing. Enough. 

I experienced that huge bump Coach was talking about. I held back going any further because I was afraid to fail. I was afraid that no matter what I did, I would still feel the same and all my effort would be wasted. That even with help and effort I would still end up where I have been for several years now. So what did I do? I fulfilled my own prophecy. I saved my energy and did not put in the effort. Where did I end up? I ended up using all that energy putting myself down and feeling awful about myself and my situation.

I have also been seeing a psychotherapist. She's awfully expensive though. I have had to cut my sessions back to once a month because of finances. I'd love to see her more frequently, but I think it will work IF I PUT THE EFFORT IN. Together, seeing her and staying on Tools, I can do this. I can break from these negative thoughts and treat myself they way I deserve. Today we finally started cognitive therapy and much of Tools uses cognitive therapy. My "homework" is to be aware of my negative thoughts and jot them down once a day - exactly what Tools tells us to do basically. Although I'm sure I can do with just Tools and no "paid (by me)" therapist, I like being able to talk to someone face to face. When you find it hard to love yourself, you often don't trust yourself. It's nice to bounce what I'm feeling and going through off someone else, especially not a friend. With friends I fear they get fed up with me and they don't always know how to help me. I'm not paying her to be my friend. I'm paying her to help me fight my demons. 

I want to commit to myself. I want to love me. I will...I do. I do love me, I just want to love me all the time.  

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