i was writing a post when i clicked the wrong button and it all went of this is hwy i called it its one of these days. the truth is i missed tool yesterday i was n a tight mood i cybered relaxed for a bit but was too irritable that i hurt two fingers.. get so pissed of during the very short ride. in short i m very close to my period that i can hardly relax and very close to this damn test wh i decided not ot prepare for nd it may cause not getting the job. i m also suffering this damn low mood inertia and loooooooooooooong list of comfortable habits.
i was writing about my emotions they kinnda lead me through my life for years and the results as expected dissatorous. i wanna develop emotional and physical stamina. i wanna rule and regualte my life by having self decipline and not giving in to depression and anxiety under pressure.
the truth is as an adult i always crumbled under pressure with the pretext of anxiety or depression or even some physical prtext wci i dont always have to create.
i want to change not ust my life but my self and way of thinking. i did read so many books but i never reallyput the work. i m tired of acting so spoilt i want to toughen up the question is how??
this is why i started this programme because i didnt want to choose a short cut of fluzac and feeling sorry for myself. i have all my stregth the problem is i actually believed i am weak physically and emotionally nd i gave up any challenge. i stopped pushing myself to do more. i have a competitive streak i m very much aware of it but instead of usuing it to get from myself what i want i kindda suppress it it was a way to deal with failure when i failed for the first time.
u see i tried hard to uncover my real self while in the same time i suppressed who i am ? what is so bad about the real me that feel constant need to suppress?i m competitive and i like to win, i can be aggresive. i can lie for my need. i try hard to not hurt other while i m self centered.im not kind really really.i dont forget when others hurt me or treat me badly. i carry grudges. even revenge appeal to me.i am nd can very arrogant. i m rude. i dont like being slighted . i tend to take things too personel. i am reserved. i dont trust others. there were incidents when i describe myself as cruel when i got angry with my cat. i have short temper .i can be sarcasitc when its time for seriousness. i m not a good friend. never initiate .
i can be very mean with even people i care about. i can be cold.i have difficulty expressing my feelings. fine what else????i am not great or even good person but i m human nd i try to be better so no need to suppress.if i a competive be smart compete at work by being the best for instnace nd n the gym but dont compete ina realtionship.
u see i suppressed my real self first in india because i wanted to survive that i forgot who i am really. i was a failure there for a whole decade and i kindda tried hard to accept it, bend while walking , dont look remarkable so i dont get unwanted attaention.enoug of this defeating attitude. i cant blame it all on india because i started being quiet in my teeage years and go in. but in india i kindda drilled within my self that i am a total loser and o somehow i had to stay true to it by failing which i kept doing. i lost my self belief and confidence and then i fell in love only with someone so distant and unworthy of my feelings only in my head that awful voice kept sayi ng u really felt he will love u????????? nd the truth is i didnt belive i am lovable as a woman it just unearthed another insecurity.for years ai wrote and tried hard to grow but now i feel at 38 nd my life stagnant that i need to do more.
when i worked i found going to work like when i went back to college os all i am capable of. because it took so much energy to go anf be there that i have no energy left for my self and my life till my life jammed and i lost my job. there is a good possibilty that i ll get this one but iam scared.when i hear someone saying i m going to work ithis someone suddenly become better me beacuse in my head this awful voice kept saying u couldnt even make it to work to stay at work. its the exact same pattern when i failed in my exams in college for phobia and anxiety i saw everyone who paaased as better then me so he or she were infalted beyong lifesize and i was belittled that it hurt to take a breath.i do the same thing with things i want ad didnt do like people who r slim r superpeople even they r sick, married women waaaw because they found a man who loved then enough to want them for life . and with every thought like that i became invisible undeserving of love success or anything good and the reaosn is beacuse 16 years ago i failed exams cause i couldnt adabt to new country. how stupid and silly it can get but there i am.. the truth is enough is enough. if i get this job i ll work hard if not i ll find another job...past is dead nd buried.i m a loser because i choose to be and only me can change that.
no one is perefect we al have insecurities and bad qualities and guess what baby i dont even have to be slim,successful perfecy rich to be loved and admired. work on what matters to u for yourself and happiness and not for others . get real, be real and stay real