As I was coming home from work, I felt the most intense hunger. Usually I try not to eat after work. (I work the night shift, 7pm to 7am) I usually eat my last meal of the day around 5am, and call it quits for the day, but not today.
I knew exactly what I wanted. I made a quesadilla. Rich, gooey, melty, high in fat cheese on a white, high glycemic index, flour tortilla. While that was cooking, I popped some high fat, high sodium ramen noodles in the microwave. As I enjoyed the rich cheesy goodness of the quesadilla, I prepared a soft boiled, cholesterol laden, egg. I slurped up the ramen after my quesadilla was gone, and sopped up the delicious, runny yolk of the soft boiled with a piece of nutritionally worthless white bread. Washed it all down with a shot of Irish whiskey. I know, no alchohol. Sorry Coach.
Now in my head, the words of TOOLS kept up a barage of don'ts. I mean, my life is my decision, right? I have the power, don't I? I just didn't care. I brushed my teeth, but didn't do my evening stretches, didn't recite my gratitude list, didn't examine my to-do list, didn't do my bedtime relaxation technique, didn't do my visualizations, didn't tell my self that tommorrow I was going to have a great day; and I slept like a baby.
I woke up feeling great! Now, the porblem is I should feel guilty. I should have remorse. Instead I felt free for the first time in a while. That's what bothers me. Not that I feel guilty, but that I don't, and IT DOESN'T BOTHER ME. Shouldn't I have a littel guilt, a little remorse? After all, I blew several hours at the gym on that binge fest, but I felt GREAT!!!
The other problem is now there is a little voice in my head, sounding very much like Eddi Murphy's Donkey from "Shrek", saying "Let's do that agin!" What if I do. Will I undo all the good that TOOLS has brought me? Will I lose all control, and become a fat(ter) pig? Will I care?
TOOLS has brought a lot of positive change in my life, for which I am grateful. To be honest though, on my best days, I couldn't do it all. There simply isn't enough hours in the day for me. I know, that sounds like a cop-out. "If I paid you a million dollars to go to the gym everyday, I bet you would,..." Ya, I would try, but I'd fail. There are simply too many demands on my time to keep up with all of it. "Aw, com'on. It only takes a sec..." The problem with that is, it doesn't just take a sec. Sometimes it takes several, or minutes to accomplish each one of the checklist items of TOOLS. There are only 24 hours in a day, and TOOLS was/is becoming a huge task master in my life. I'm foregoing sleep to get TOOLS done. I'm foregoing time with my family to get TOOLS done, I'm neglecting parts of my job to get TOOLS done (I'm writing this blog entry while at work.) I limit hobbies and fun, to make time for TOOLS. After all, it only takes a sec... TOOLS has taken over my life.
Some of that is a good thing. In many respects my life is better, and that is directly related to the work I'm doing in TOOLS. I just can't keep up the pace. That's what this morning represented to me. A taking back of my life. Not a very healthy expression, granted. I just needed to do something that wasn't TOOLS for a minute or two. The pressure is immense. Maybe I'm the only one that feels it. I just want to run, screaming into the night. Run away to Mexico, run away with the circus, just run away. Of course, I would never do that. I know that no matter where you go, there you are. The same problems would run ahead, and be waiting on me when I arrived. I want to make this work, I'm just not sure how.
comments
Thankyou for sharing
Your post really made me feel for you, i am only 5 days in so cannot know how long tools will take me. I just know that little voice that says "what the ****, why should't i just do it," But all i am doing is sabotaging my own personal goals ( cos we all have that personal inner child voice that has a tantrum ) for me i do this because i want others around me to tell me off or point it out so at least i would know that someone cares or even just notices.
Where are your opportunities within this situation. You have obviously a lot of time and work invested into your programme, you have achieved so much, please take a breath and take some time to reflect on all you have changed and what support we can all give you now to support you through this.
We all become overwhelmed at times. We need to take that leap and identify what is really overwheming us.
Just remember " you are a unique human being, you are special "
Love & Light
Elle
I got the same thing in me
There are times when I just want to forget everything and eat chocolate (which is my big addiction).
There are some parts of Tools that are easy and becoming automatic--I get up, clap, say a couple of positive things, then take a bath--and that makes everything in me feel pretty good. But there are things I don't really do. I don't follow the checklist rigidly. I have had a lot of perfectionism in my life and when I do something perfectly, I fall off the wagon and have a hard time climbing back on. So, I'm doing tools imperfectly so I can at least stay on the wagon, even if I'm hanging on the edge.
At the risk of being heretical, I think if I were in your situation I would choose which aspects of the checklist to do. Do those and don't worry about the rest. Yes, this program is 90 days, but then you can gradually add items on your checklist for years afterward.
Carolyn