hmmm, don't stop using checklist

 
I don't know how many times this program reminds you to never stop using your checklist and yet upon completing the program you feel a sense of achievement and possibly like myself stop using the tools checklist. When in reality upon completion of this you have really completed nothing, but instead just started something.

Some people may not need the checklist daily, but it would still help. Myself personally the checklists keep me in check, there are days where I will not need it or even a week but after that week I start to slide back to where I was before I started tools.

Don't really know why I am writing anything today. Work is slow and staying at home with all that is going on is not helping with the added debt I owe and realization that nothing in the world can save my marriage.

Left in confusion really, as I start think about my future, although my wife has chosen to divorce me and has not acknowledged I existed for over a year now. I am left in a weird spot. I feel a man is only as strong as his word and if he can not keep his promises to himself who can he trust if he can't trust himself?

So although she may break her vows without ever trying counseling and advice to divorce from people who don't really know me. I feel that I made a promise to myself as well as her for better or worse. And although this for worse and a worse I would of never imagined, I still made that promise to her and myself and God if he is out there.

It was a Christian marriage, but since then, it was her church who have advised her to not to try counselling. Although there was never any physical abuse or name calling, but problems arising from my anxiety issues and us moving to anther country right after getting married.

I am by no means blaming this on the people against us trying counselling as I should of been able to recognize any problems and solved them before it was ever able to get to the point of her asking these people for their advice. And I understand where they were coming from trying to protect her. But they never really met me. I don't understand how a church can baptize prisoners and say they deserve a second chance. But a man who was suffering from anxiety problems does not deserve a chance at counselling for his marriage. I wonder if I was raised her church would they of tried to help us more? Is divorce their solution for everyone? or is it just me because I am from outside their church?

And unfortunately as I understand she will probably never talk or acknowledge my existance again. I feel I still need to stay true to my vows made to more than just her. Which in returns means this divorce will be finalized and I will never contact her again but will have to remain single and true to my vows.  Which is devastating to realize the things I wanted most in life (a happy family) will never be possible for myself. And need to find a way to move forward understanding this and figuring out more ways to fulfill myself by myself. And I joined various sports teams to try but the loss of a wife is something I never iimagined and the pain from such a event is something I would wish upon absolutely no-one.

To know I failed her, her family, her friends and myself will always be difficult because every morning I wake up and look in the mirror I have to look at the person(myself) who hurt the person I care about most.

I emailed her alot while she would not talk to me, and was often told I shouldn't. But an older lady once said to me that I should do eveything possible to try for a year so at the end of the day I would know I at least tried everything. The only problem is after attending various marriage counselling courses by myself and this tools program some of it all seems a waste as none of it will ever be able to be put into use in life. I hope the emails never bothered her that much as they were only to let her know how important she is. And she never told me her intentions of what she wanted to do with us and it would cause absolute confusion in myself. As it made any decision I had to make very difficult regarding rent etc. being in different countries.

Oh well, I think I am typing this just to avoid sitting here having thoughts go through my head.

It is more difficult because she used to say "what is a couple bad years for fifty good ones?" and tell me of tough marriage stories before we got married and talked of how we thought so many divorces in this world could be prevented and how lots of older couples had a some years of hell together that were worth fighting through for the other thirty some odd years of absolute joy they experienced. oh well I don't understand why there was a change of thought when it came to us.

At the end of the day I think she lost a chance at a great life and lost a real great person.

guess its back to the beginning of tools to start over and refresh everything.....

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