Finding even the strangest silver lining.

When I met my husband, he was my savior. I had no rules growing up and was a ruler. I needed. I was ready to jump into my mothers footsteps to be a party girl of the highest order but he held me back. He had such clear views of right and wrong and I admired greatly. His father cheated all the  time so he was jealous to the extreme. He wanted to be a cop so we walked on the side of the law most of the time. But I needed the structure and I know that it was my fear of disappointing him that put me on the path of always trying to do the right thing.  Last June I found out that he had cheated on me. With my best friend. I was devastated. I was hurt by the lie upon lie. I hurt that I had lost my best friend in the mix and that in his selfish self preservation he had let her walk  out my life without admitting it the affair that had caused it. My faith and trust in people has been deeply shaking. She may be the only one I know but I doubt she was the only one. I had reconnected with her on facebook and he felt he had to tell me or she would. Did I mention I got an STD out of the mix? So anyway. I can't have contant with her becuase I want to hurt her but I figure if she can fuck my husband, apparently letting her know how badly she hurt won't help. And him well, If you've read anything else you know I'm on a five year plan. So everyday, I get and I push the pain down and choose to make my heart be forgiving. But here it is the strange silver lining. I am free. I know longer worry about being the perfect wife. So what if I disappoint him. He's disappointed in ways I could never have imagined. And the sex is FANTASTIC. I am demanding ask for things I could have never asked for before. I was afraid of how he would think of me. But now, it doesn't matter. I don't care about his opinion of me. I spents years believing I had to be good and perfect because I didn't think I was good enough for him. But its not true. So I've let go. I still catch him off guard with my requests and I think there's fear in his heart that I will cheat on him he doesn't do what I want (which I wouldn't ) so he does. There's no love only passion but I'll take. He owes me. 

The affair has caused some serious damage. I have a shitload of trust issues that will heal after I can get away from him but for now I will take whatever silver lining I can get.

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