Right now at this very moment in my life I feel lost. I feel hopeless and alone. I have people around me who love me and would do anything to save me, but I know I must save myself. My "bottom" keeps getting deeper and deeper. Right now the emotions I feel are high or dope sick. I feel I cant live with it or with out the drugs. Joining this website seems to be my last hope. My ex boyfreind got me listening to Jason Ellis, and that is how I found it. I hate that my life has come to this and sounds so pathetic and depressing, but I wouldnt be doing any good by trying to sugar coat it. I need help. I want to feel again. I want to stop this self centered cycle that will eventually kill me. The only reason I havent given up yet is because I have an eleven year old sister who looks up to me. I am giving it one last chance for her. I also cannot give up because of my mother and my ex boyfriend. My mom would do anything for me. She has worked so hard my entire life just to make me happy. I couldnt ask for a better mother and she deserves a daughter who will show her that same love in return. My younger brother is in recovery. He has almost a year clean. Our whole lives he has always looked up to me, and now I would give anything to be half the person he is today. Lastly is my soul mate. I do beleive there is one person for each of us out there. I have never met anyone like him before. He is selfless, kind, forgiving, patient, funny, and smart. I feel so lucky to be a part of his life. I just wish he felt the same way. I dont know why he hasnt given up on me yet, but he still fights for my life every day. He sees something in me that no one else does. Any other human being would have walked away months ago, but I beleive it his God's will for us to be together. I just hope I can turn my life around so I can give him the kind of love that he has given me. The kind of love he deserves. This is my last hope, so please I am willing to do what ever it takes to save my life. Its sad to say but its not for me but for the one who love me because I am incapable of loving myself right now.

I guess the only place to start is from the beginning. My first memory is of my parents fighting. I was still in diapers. They divorced when I was three.  My mom remarried and my brother was born when I was four. She was divorced again a few years later. I grew up minutes form the beach on the west coast of Florida. I have always been a total beach bum. I had a tan even before I could walk. I love the ocean and always will. My mom was dating my step dad a few years before my sister was when I was thirteen. He already had three kids to my baby sister made it a toatal of eight mouths to feed. Money was always an excuse for them to fight. I do have so may good memories growing up. We went on vacations, and had nice toys like boats and dirt bikes. Its just I mostly remember the fighting. My real dad was hardly around. He developed a drug problem before he was kicjed out of high school. I was an avereage kid, I guess? I snuck out with my friends, stole my parents cigs and boose, and had sex the first time when I was fourteen with a neighborhood friend. Ok so not so average. I feel like I really had to grow up fast because my mom was working to support us and my stepdad was at the bar supporting his habbit. This left me at home taking care of my younger siblings including my new baby sister. My obsession with getting high was triggered when I was sixteen. My real dad was sent to prison for armed robbery. This was when I tried harder drugs. I was diagnosed with chronic depression and starting cutting myself. I was in and out of mental hospitals and expelled from school. My mom sent me to live 2 hours away at my grandmothers house. I was put on medication and my life and self esteem slowly got better. I did graduate high school and started community college. Then I fell in love with man who was seven years older then me an introduced me to pain pills. It started out with the occasional vicodon and laurab. Then I graduated to oxycontin. That was the one drug I could not stop. That is what brought me to move to the east coast of Florida to go to Rehab. Then I moved into a half way house. With about 3 months clean I decided to go and get drunk. I havent stopped using since, and that was 5 months ago.

I want so much for my future. I know I am capable of making a difference in this world. After I get my teaching degree I would to teach in Africa for a year. I want to teach children who have survived being soldiers. Then when I come back to this country I want to teach the fifth grade. I would like to get married on the beach to my soul mate. I have already found him and we know that we are supposed to be together. He is one of the reason I am trying to get clean. I dont have a future unless I get clean. I want to get my sanity back so I can be there for him the way he has been there for me. I want us to start a family and have a long, productive, and fulfilling life together. The most important factor in my future is me staying clean. That is why I am reaching out for help.