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Birth Date: Sat, Sep 02 1972

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Should I be worried??



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Tue, May 18 05:12 AM

Should I be worried??

 For years my wife and I have lacked an emotional connection in our marriage, and now suddenly my wife is chatting on facebook with an old boyfriend and it is tearing my up.  Should I be worried or happy for her?  She said it is allowing herself to feel again since her and the ex (over 17 years ago) had a troubled relationship and she has held those feelings against our marriage.  We have been married 12 years.  I cannot stop dweling on the fact my wife seems more excited to chat with others than talk with me.  But over the last few years, I guess we really have drifted apart and I understand I also  had a lack of emotions which added to the issues.  How do I get over these insecure feelings?  She tells me not to worry she has never felt better or stronger for us.


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I spend quite a bit of time on Facebook, so let me ask you some things.


Is she writing very long-winded emails back and forth with him?  How many 'back-and-forth' messages have occured?  Are they still writing emails or have they moved on to wall postings.


From my experience, initial contact with 'an old friend' usually results in about four or five emails (how are you? what have you been up to? etc.)--then it ends.  You become 'friends' and for the rest of your Facebook relationship, you just post short messages on your friend's wall.


Continued sending of emails beyond the 'first contact' period should be a cause for suspicion. 


I hope this makes sense.


Being happy for her would be way cool and supportive (i would so love a spouse to offer that kind of support).  AND dealing with your own feelings of insecurity, AT THE SAME TIME, is just as important (and, that is an inside job -- which you can work on in therapy, and, in sharing time with your spouse like previous commenter said about dating your wife again). 


Her excitement and your inner feelings are, technically, two separate things that are interrelated, in a sense.  And, you can attend to both without setting up an either-or situation.


Healthy relationships include each party having friends and being excited about other people; and, of course, when one is excited about an ex who knows them well, naturally there might be some invitations to pay attention to feelings -- like you are doing.


Really good signs are that she is OPEN ABOUT HER SHARING ON FACEBOOK with the ex, and, sharing how this is impacting her.  She is not trying to hide this or make it secretive, so, THAT IS A GREAT SIGN THAT SHE TRUSTS YOU AND WANTS TO SHARE THIS WITH YOU!


You can support her AND share how it is bringing up in you how her excitement is something that is beautiful and you are wondering how we might add more of that into your marriage, too.


I think your paying attention is important as also we know that sometimes online intimacy can feel more easy than in-person stuff, and, it is okay to remain aware of how this is impacting your current feelings towards your wife.  


You are really in-tune to be so honest with yourself; allow yourself some explorations that strengthen your inner life (therapy, meditation group, creating special times with your wife...)



says: I would talk to your wife more. Notice if she enjoys it. It would be very good for your marriage that you do connect emotionally. Ideally she would stop the chat with someone else and prefer to confide in you. Why don t you give it a go to be open and say how you feel about her and the ex chatting. 

says: I think you need to trust your feelings of insecurity and use this as a chance to get closer to your wife. Get help for yourself. Learn to connect and show your feelings. Start dating her again. Do the things that you did when you fell in love. Don't just let this happen. If you are insecure, you have a good reason to be.