I want to say Thank you to everyone first and foremost. Thank You for the encouraging words and boosts. This weekend, and the start of this week have proven to be a challenging whirlwind.
I didn't log in to complete any exercises on Sunday due to time constraints. Sunday night I went to a Superbowl party to get out of the house and had a great long talk with my friend and his wife after we watched the game. It's amazing how friends will be right there for you and at the same time not tell you what they see going on right in front of your face. For the second time in as many days I was confronted about how I had let myself be controlled in the relationship and how I had been wrong for letting it get that way. I was told that my friend and his wife watched the life get sucked out of me and that I had changed from a fun loving, funny, hound dog into a 70 yr old man in a young guys body.
I have to be honest, I was. When we were together especially towards the end I was miserable. It was hard to be happy at the end. I had to almost beg for sex, I was ignored for Face book, my work and schooling were ridiculed for taking so much of me away from time with them (Lo & the baby) and even for the choices I was making in them. We fought about everything and at times it was embarrassing to be with her because of her nature. When my friend's wife asked me why I let it get so far her suspicion was confirmed, I gave up my lifestyle, my career when I got furloughed (and chances to go back), a lot of my ideals and beliefs because I thought it was what I was supposed to do as a father and a husband to be. In doing so I lost a lot of me. I think that’s another reason why I’m here………..to find my way back to me. After everything went down I found myself listening to old familiar music and buying new stuff that fit my mood and situation. I was talking to old friends that were still around and trying to rekindle old friendships that had fallen by the wayside during the course of the relationship. Some of the friendships I have let lay, its better that way in regards to my ultimate goals. Some of these friendships I truly need to rediscover my identity and to help form myself into the new, better version of me I am to become.
I have had a fast start to the week and been presented with less than ideal conditions but have been able to power through. I didn’t get to have my daughter spend the night Sunday night due to work scheduling conflicts, but did get to spend the evening with her and tuck her into bed at her Mom’s new pad. What a kick in the gnads that was! She’s finally back where she grew up, in the neighborhood she’s wanted to be in forever and her new pad is at least twice the size of what we have here. It’s still pretty empty as things are being delivered or are still being shopped for. But it is so much nicer than here……………And Mommy and Daddy are responsible for that. That hurts so much more. “Oh You couldn’t make it work with my daughter, okay, guess what, I’ll just go ahead and do what You were supposed to do for her.” There were a lot of things in the relationship that I had the means to accomplish but had snatched away from me because I couldn’t get instant gratification style, or I was never thought to have the capability or the things I suggested were deemed inferior. Now after our separation it still haunts me in the form of her new place and how much they are contributing to keep her there.
I almost broke down at work on Monday after talking to Lo on the phone about feeling like I was loosing touch with Haley. I had to take a moment to gather myself so that I could function. I can be strong for days at a time, and then some days I can barely function. I just feel crushed and a failure in so many ways some days.
My friend’s wife and he have both been divorced and remarried and both had many good things to say about how to get going again and get over the heartache. One thing that became a huge epiphany for me was the fact that she still has tons of stuff here that belongs to her and when she came by Monday “neglected” to pick it up. From a woman’s’ stand point I was told this was a mind fuck to keep me constantly thinking about her. The evidence confirms it too, stray panties lying around that I’ve never seen but can only imagine her wearing, clothes in the closet preventing me from hanging and rearranging my stuff, picture, nick-knacks, etc. then there is the rope throwing…………..She tells me this is the only way and that we never know what the future holds. Then when things are fine and I feel strong or a particular point of our separation comes up she gets weak and tells me she still loves me and always will. That she’s second guessing this and that it hurts so badly and she’s having issues with it too. But like Devlyn says there are no victims, and my friends state something similar, I have to take control and make this happen or else she’s gonna drag it out and then I’m really gonna lose my soul.
That’s the hardest part. One moment she’s telling me I can come by any time to see the baby, the next she seems indifferent. I’m afraid to make too sudden of a move or to be the first one to fall for someone new (not that I want anyone new, even though I see amazing women everyday) because I don’t want it to backfire on me and risk creating problems for visitation and financial issues that I really don’t need now. She says her focus is the baby, but she’s back where she always wanted to be and around all the young and successful guys that she grew up with. She is hot and fun and personable and knows she can have the pick of the litter so that tells me I need to move on, but then she says I can spend the night and I can come by anytime……………So confused. Where are the boundaries anyway? If I lay with her in the same bed, I still feel the physical attraction we always had and will have a damn hard time of not trying to be with her again. So do I not stay and short my daughter time that she deserves so that I don’t have to sleep on the couch or feel awkward? I really don’t wanna stay at all for fear of creating more problems than good. I still can’t let go though. I still feel and remember the good times now that we are separated. The bad times I have to be reminded of and that’s what she remembers, the fights and arguments. That’s her reasoning behind the separation, the betterment of the baby’s living situation. But I am still fighting the notion of her being with someone else and moving on while I feel like I’m stuck here buried under all these memories and work, and school, and the apt mgmt, etc……..While she has moved on.
One of the other best pieces of advice I got was to build the apt back. Build the baby’s room back, build my room back, re-arrange the house and make it my own in order to really recreate that idea of a house with mommy and a house with daddy. In addition to it being freeing and confidence building its better in the eyes of the court and ultimately for the baby. That’s my next move………..
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Set your boundaries!
You asked and answered all your own questions in your blog. You know what you need to do. Pack up her things and politely ask her to collect them, or take them to her. Make your home truly yours. Make decisions and stick to them. She will be just as confused about moving on as you are. Agree to a plan for visiting your daughter and having her sleep over. If you keep going back to your ex then its really going to confuse your child. If your ex is weak, then you need o be strong and let her deal with it. If there is a chance you want to get back with her then you need to discusss it and make a decision. Its not your friends decision, its yours. Either way you need to make decisions, stick to them, and set your boundaries. I know its hard when your head is all over the place, but you will feel much better if you take control of you. X