Referring to Day 2, what negative things do I tell myself? I am pretty positive, but when it gets down to it, it is important to pay attention to the unspoken things I say to myself as well as the outward verbal statements I make about myself. This is what I am learning on my second time through TTL program.
Does my silence mean that I am submitting to something that is negative? Hmmmm. Well guess what?!!! I found out that in some cases it is.
I have allowed myself to be dominated over. I am quieting my objections for the sake of peace... but is it really peace? No indeed it is not. What I have done is tried to avoid making waves, only to sacrifice a part of myself. This is my responsibility. I am not sure how I will make that change. But I will find a way. For now, I am stepping back, taking a breath and saying a prayer! I have to make some serious changes. They are hard changes to make but neccesary if I am ever to maintain my happiness and be true to myself.
You see, I have an issue with my bf. He has made a mistake in the relationship. He is faithful and a good guy but he has a couple of hangups that must be corrected if he wants me in his life. I told him this, about a year ago. He went to a counselor with me and began to understand, but said that he felt that he could find the solution and I explained it must be dealt with because I am not putting up with it, if it happened again, I would leave.
So it is time to leave.
He did a good job, but not good enough to carry his obligation through to completion. He has failed and it has happened again.
I was angry at first, but have calmed down and become more reasonable with my reactions. Im upset with myself for taking for granted that he would succeed. I have no one to blame but myself. I do believe that he tried, but I am not willing to sacrifice my happiness any longer. So... Here is what I am going to do.
Everyone makes mistakes, even with the right intentions, but I realize that I also made a huge mistake. I did not prepare for the failure. I trusted that it wouldn't/couldn't happen again! and although I knew what I would need to do if it did, I didnt prepare for it!
I could kick myself, but I just re-read day 2 as I am restepping through the tools program, for a refresher course. I am not a dumb person. Maybe a little unprepared but not dumb. I feel in my heart of hearts that maybe it is happening this way for a reason I cannot understand. so here is my plan.
MY Mistake was to put too much trust into the problem being solved with no hitches. My Mistake further was not in making the threat to leave if it happened again, but in not preparing to leave in case it did.
SO... I am praying for clear paths to open up for me. I have calmly stated that the problem exists again and that the solution was not successful. I have stated that the problem will only fester again, if not tended to. I have assured him that I will have no problem reminding him of it. quite frequently actually. I handle myself differently, I tell him I love him, but I am very angry with him.
In the meantime. I have become serious about my committment. I committed to leave if it weren't resolved. It became unresolved therefore I am actively seeking a new job with every intent of moving on with my life by ridding myself of the financial dependance I have on him. Of course I dont want to... but I know I must.
I pray that a solution can be found, but I have to be realistic. It is not likely to happen. I do believe in miracles but realistically i cannot see one on the horizion. If he were to suggest that we talk to the minister who said he could help us, would probably be the only thing I find acceptable as a solution this time around. i doubt that he will suggest it. But I can hope. In the meantime... I must move on...
When I leave, I will leave someone whom I love dearly. He says he doesnt want me to go, but he hasnt done what he needed to do to keep me here.
Its not my first time. My loving husband wanted to stay with me, but death parted us. He is still very real and alive in my heart... but its just not the same.
To the future... whatever it is. Im still learning...
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