Ive gotton my first week in. I am so excited. I wasnt sure what i was getting myself into with tools but so far, so good.
My self esteem has been quite low since losing my huband in '00, mother '02 & daddy in '03. If that wasnt enough, my kids grew up and I suffered empty nest, moved to another state and back again, changed my career, gained a couple of grandkids, watched my oldest go thru a bad marriage, then divorce, my 2nd kid went thru a major depression and work her butt off thru school, & my son thru a lost relationship with a girl and her children whom he loved, followed by the loss of a good friend and nearly his own life while in Iraq. He came home suffering a major depression... gosh the list goes on and on... (And I am thankful!)
The point is, I was busy trying to take care of my loved ones, WHEN it mattered most to them and to me. In the meantime, I slowly, a little bit at a time, lost track of me. I sank further and further into depression, added 50+ lbs to the torso--somehow, always tired, worn out, discouraged, and lost, I just couldnt figure out how to dig myself out! It seemed that everyones issues kept me busy and i didnt have enough time to take care of my own issues. My voice got weaker and softer.
HOWEVER, I wouldnt change any of the experiences I had, I want you to know. There is noone I can face any easier than myself in the mirror in the mornings! I KNOW I was there for my family when they needed me most! There wasnt a single stone left unturned when it came to discovering what the options were/and supposedly weren't, the effort we put in, to try ANYTHING, paid off more than moving according to standard protocals!!! My loved ones who are no longer here, made certain that I knew that they appreciated everything I did before they left, and I know in my heart of hearts, that they truly did!! I can still hear their voices,.... "You were my Florence Nightengale", "I couldnt have been cared for any better," and "it amazes me how your touch has such a soothing effect!". It gets no better than that!!!
In the past few weeks, my "self" was so far gone that It finally bit me in the butt. I was at a potentially dangerous low. Out of nowhere, i began to question my existance and purpose. I had been working on getting a good support team together to help me get "somewhere".... somewhere better than Ive been for a while!! In that process, I have gotton a small support team thru church and then at a perfect moment in time, I came across tools.
Tools came when i felt that perhaps my existance was in everyones way!!! I rephrased it almost immediately and just started pushing the feeling back onto others who un-intentionally made me feel terrible, commenting, "Im sorry that my existance seems to get in the way of your happiness", and "I" stopped taking responsibility for it!
Today marks 1 weeks worth of tools on my belt. My local support team is cheering me on. In this little bit of time, those closest to me see something happening and are reacting positively. Tools is starting to take my life on a snowball ride, rolling in a positive direction. I can hardly wait for the 16 hours to turn over! Its giving me a sense of direction, a plan for the direction and a step by step way to address so many things I need to face, one step at a time. simple things that we often take for granted or... think are not so important or critical to assist with change.
I feel like i am coming out of a deep dark hole, from under a heavy rock, and am excited with my progress so far. There is so much to look forward to!!! now I feel that little by little, I can get myself in a position to accomplish a great deal of my dreams. (Once i re-establish them--- sometimes life throws a curve ball and well... I need a new dream, my "growing old plan" was so closely tied to my husbands... and he didnt get the chance to grow old!).
Thru tools, I am stepping deliberately one step at a time in the directions I wanted to be moving, as opposed to the overwhelming try this.... try that..... try anything.... strategy that I was attempting and spinning my wheels on.
Thanks to everyone, especially Coach Steele & team for taking the time to put this website together!!!
I hope that this will serve as an encouragement to those of you with a fresher start than my own. Even though I have only 7 days, it has been a really good 7 days!!!!!!! My life is on the RISE!!!
I think I can do this!
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