Inadequate

I can't help but let body issues take over. One comment can send me spiraling. And, it's my own fault too, because I allow it to happen.

My hair is naturally curly but I usually straighten it. I didn't today. A co-worker walks over to my desk and the first thing out of his mouth is "oh wow, what's up with your hair?" I then begin to think that it must not be my hair, it must be that I'm bordering obese at 145lbs and my 5'7" frame can't hold it. It must be the acne swarming my face. It must be my chunky legs or stomach spilling out of my pants. It must be my huge nose or my funky teeth. I could go on and on, and I do. 

Then, here comes the ED voice. 

Food is bad. I don't deserve to eat. Being fat is NOT an option, therefore neither is food. I start counting calories of foods I can eat to add up to a "safe" amount for the day. I start to think of the extra exercise I can do later in the day. 

I know better than this, and sometimes, I'm able to fight these negative comments. I'm able to kick them in the ass and ignore them completely. 

Today was not that day. I didn't have a bad day at work, but I felt like trash inside. 

I had several dates lined up for this week. I canceled all of them. I have a dinner that I'm supposed to plan on Thursday for a group of people and I'm tempted to fake sick and cancel. Not because I don't like them or anything, but because I don't feel I deserve to be around such good people.

What is wrong with me?

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