Discovery

I'm having real trouble thinking positively. It probably has some to do with the fact that my live-in boyfriend is out of town, visiting his family in Texas and I feel so lonely without him.. But I can't blame it on that. I have been thinking negatively my entire life. One day, or one Toolbox lesson isn't going to change that. But I have to start somewhere. And I don't know why I expected it to be easy. I have to come to terms with the simple fact that I am depressed. Even though I was on meds for a while, I don't think I ever really got better. It may have seemed like I did, but looking back at my actions, and how disjointed I felt about things that are important to me like morality, I realize that I was just masking the pain.

And now I'm off my meds. And I do have a very supportive partner, someone close to me that I didn't have before. But I feel like I'm drowning, nonetheless. I don't know what to do or where to turn and every day I just fall deeper into this hole. I'm in real trouble, I think.

I hadn't even realized it before. So I'm a little down, so what? Type of thing. But this is just getting out of hand.

I'm unemployed. I have zero income. My boyfriend supports me. I have been looking for a job since I moved here, about 2 months ago, and haven't found one, though I must admit that I haven't been looking very hard. Christian makes just enough money to be broke by the time bills and groceries are paid for out of each paycheck. I have no insurance. I feel like I have no where to turn. It's not as though I can go to a psychiatrist and try a new med combination, or go to talk therapy, all those things cost money. So I just don't know what to do. But I realize that I've got to do something.

I hope this ToolstoLife program will be that something, but to tell the truth, I am not so sure.

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Tags: Depression, discovery, thinking positive