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Join Now Day ONE to changing the pattern by maybenow2012
 
maybenow2012
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Day ONE to changing the pattern

 

 

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maybenow2012

  maybenow2012

Fri, Nov 04 03:08 AM

Day ONE to changing the pattern

 

I joined this group today.  I realise I've repeated an old pattern and want to change.

My pattern is to let my husband/partner dominate me and I lose my "self".  My first husband, over forty years ago, was a very aggressive and incredibly successful man: phD, lots of accolades, successful in his sphere.  But he was mean and degrading and he constantly criticized me.  I could do nothing right and both he and I believed I was always wrong.  I've been divorced for over twenty years.

I spent twnety years of therapy, classes, learning etc to change myself and to figure out why I had allowed myself to stay in such an emotiionally abusive relationshp for so many years.

I was shocked to find out that I've done it again.  I hooked up with a guy, divorced for 8 years and married for 25, who is a caring family-oriented man...and who gets incredibly angry.  He always thinks the worst of people (me included) finds fault with everyone and everything and goes into a rage with something doesn't go his way.  I find myself staying mousy and quiet and afraid of setting him off.  He does not physical harm...just says hurtful things to me.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do now.  I've bought a house wiith him and we are moving in soon. I've rented my house and moved out of it so its too late to change that directiionl.   My house becomes vacant again in August 2012 so I have the fal-back option of moving back into it.  

In the meantime, I don't want to be a mouse and I don't choose to guard my words and thoughts for feer he will get enraged and I certainly do not plan to go along with everything he wants.  So I need to figure out what to do.    I don't know if counseliing will work or some sort of behavior modification on my part (or on his part).  

So..this is my journey....the very first step.

# Comment (3) # View (90) # Show support

# Tags: verbal abuse, dominating husband, submissive, change behavior

 

This post is cheered by:

shmkay shmkay


 

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NYerinCO NYerinCO:

Building Confidence

Purchasing a home with him has made things more complicated but you are still in charge of your own future.  You have the power to make the necessary changes and break the cycle.  That's not going to change him however.  Is he willing to get some help? 

woman10 woman10:

Understanding

I can relate... in many ways and in different ones... I don't know you, but I know I tend to put others first before myself, and I have falling into similair patterns with my relationships, it is hard... I am currently at a cross road ... of not wanting to even try again... don't want go through it, letting myself down.. I know it willnot last in reality.. it;s a stage Iam going through and the better I feel aboout myself and stop beating myself up for feeling like I let it happen all over again, I won't move on.. This is a great place, I have been away fromit for awhile...let life take over haven't been home much...

Take a deep breath and keep trying... and tell your self it's gonna be a great day... it helps more then it seems..

maybenow2012 maybenow2012:

thanks for the comments

To woman10: I want to live an honorable life -- I want to cause no harm -- and I want to 'be there' if I can prevent someone else from experiencing some of the things I have.  But at the same time, I want to treat my own 'self' with these same values.  Thats the hard part because I tend to put others first.

to NYerin CO: I just moved to CO from the northeast.  I'm healthy and fit but old age is definitiely creepng in and I want to be with a partner as I age.  I am not married to this man although we refer to each other as 'wife' and 'husband' and we have made a commitment to each other.  He has many wonderful traits and is reliable, honest, supportive etc...BUT his " rage thing " and the "blame game" he plays are show stoppers for me.  I don't know if he can get them under control.  Yes, I kept my own house and have it rented so its possible to bail out if the situation does not improve.  I truly want it to get better.  I have often wondered if the 'cultural diifferences' between the north east and colorado contribute to the many disconnects we experience.  He has been here for over forty years; i moved two years ago and its been a major shock.