I am having a hard time with visualization, and translating it to reality. I had this problem with math and again with neuroscience, and again with computer science. Finally, it's the central tension around me and why I feel like I can't do work properly.
First, I can't tell if I don't self-monitor well enough, if I'm overly attentive, or if I am simply not approaching self-evaluation of my work appropriately. I can tell myself not to make excuses and whatnot but I seem to have lost this internal ability.
I suppose I should work, once again, on strengthening my inner voice and challenging its negative side. It's pretty negative. If I had health insurance that covered it, I would get a therapist and investigate whether I have attention deficit disorder. I have a really hard time sustaining mental effort---I always have. I always thought that getting work that I was utterly fascinated in would be the solution, but so far that hasn't worked, despite the fact that I practically live for the job I'm doing now, when I'm not at the office.
Second, I feel like the foundations upon which my knowledge and intellect are based must be false. I get shy and clam up in the face of authority, be it derived from age or plain confidence, intelligence or arrogance. Unless I perceive my opponent or compatriot to be my equal, I never feel free expressing what I mean to say.
I suppose a part of me accepts that because of my upbringing-which was a fairly volatile one.
All I know is, I am really trying hard to put forth the effort to change. I just hope I am working smart as well as hard, because I am dying to see results on this very thing.