Day 6 and Doing Better!

Well, I finally told my husband about Tools.  I was a little afraid he wouldn't give me the privacy and space I need to do this for myself, or that he might take it upon himself to get too involved in pushing me.  I recognize that this is something I need to do on my own, for myself, without any input at all from my husband.

He supports our family financially.  Over the years, I think we both have taken on a mindset of how hard he works for us and how lazy I am.  I wasn't lazy when I met him, and that's the problem.  Sure I'm a sedentary kind of person, not athletic or energetic in nature.  I like to read, play games, hike, swim, canoe.  I'm not a thrill-seeker, beyond roller coasters.  I don't like erratic driving, mudding, things that make me break a sweat, or things that might cause pain or injury.  It is important to me, that I learn it is okay to be who I am and for him to be who he is.

I went to college, graduated with honors and was employed as a legal secretary to a law partner.  I made $1 more than minimum wage, straight out of college and could have had the start of a great career.  My mother was diagnosed as having breast cancer.  My husband (the same week) walked out on his job and was called in for an interview at his new job on the very same day.  He became an OTR truck driver, overnight, and we decided it was best if I quit working and stay home with the kids, until they were in school full-time.

Long story short, I haven't worked a job I'm happy with in 14 years.  When money is tight, I blame my lack of financial contribution.  I blame ME for everything, even if vocally I point the finger at someone else.  In the end, I know I'm lying to myself when I blame anyone but me for who I am or where I'm at in life.

I should be more proud of myself and my husband.  Evidentally, he sees a difference in me since I started Tools, because he isn't pushing, but he's reminding and giving me space to do my tools when he's home.  That's HUGE!  I haven't seen this kind of trust and faith in me from him for some time.  In just 6 days (2 weeks actually) I've really made a difference in who I am!  The "old" me is more visible, with a little bit of "new & improved"!  I'm not a completely different person or anything.  But as long as I keep reminding myself of my checklist, I really, for the first time in a long time, feel like I can make my life better than it has been.  I feel like I am in complete control of my future!  It feels damn good!

I'm not going to get over-zealous and push myself to be perfect.  I'm still going to have a bad attitude and bad things go wrong.  I'm still going to drink to much now and then.  But for the first time in years, I feel like I have the control to make it what I want it to be!

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