Charleyblue (canceled account): 2008-08-12

says: I agree with Surethingxx, forgiveness is a way to turn the negative emotion into one that can lead to an acceptance of things that happened that weren't so good.

: 2008-06-24

says: hate is not the answer, forgiveness is ive been hurt a lot in my life, as long as you hang on to the hate he is still hurting you even though he is gone when you forgive him , you will be able to move on. good luck

so2u: 2008-06-22

says: Love your change of heart. Forgiveness is a process, but once the intention is there you will receive the help and grace you need to break through. s02u

nana2keegan: 2008-06-22

says:

seaside barbie,

I did write him a letter, while he was alive, explaining why I didn't want him in my life, I still have a copy of it. It contained all the hurts and disappointments.

Now, I can look back at pieces of his childhood and adult life, that I have learned about over the years, and see why he was the way he was. (I couldn't do that a week ago)  I see that his circumstances made him bitter and hard hearted.

This, I can change about myself. I can be a better Wife, Mother, Grandmother, and Daughter...BECAUSE of him. I can let, what he left me with, be a rule-of-thumb for my reactions or responses to any situation. I don't have to be like him.

Thank you for your response, it made me remember some things that needed to be thought through, with this "better attitude" and thought process, that I am developing!

seaside_barbie: 2008-06-21

says:

I don't know the personal details around your father. I can offer that this is very common, and I think that people move from anger to acceptance when they have processed what has happened for themselves.

It may be that there is a lot things left unsaid for you - things you wish you'd told him, or confronted him about. As he is deceased you can't address him, but you can address the situation for yourself by being truly honest. Do you have a diary or a journal? May I suggest (if it is not too painful) for you to write him a letter - tell him how you feel and why. He won't read it but pretend he will - pretend he will receive it and don't think about his response, just focus on what you need to tell him.

It may be that he was unable to be the father you wanted. There may be significant reasons for that in his own past. For any of us who do not receive the love and support we needed as a child it can be very painful.

As so2u has mentioned, counselling can assist to bring things to the surface and help you to process what has happened. Counselling is not always fun - but it can offer an invaluable opportunity to look at a situation in a different way.

I would also ask you to think about what you learned from being your fathers daughter. Are you a kinder person? A kinder parent? If you don't have children, do your experiences inform what kind of parent you'll be - or won't be? We are all a product of our experiences and upbringing and you are probably a nicer kinder and stronger person than you realise, because of what you have been through, and because of who yur father was.

Hatred is an empty emotion and truly damaging if we let it overpower us. Whatever your feelings about your father, try to compartmentalise them. Don't let them interfere with your day to day life, or your relationships - especially with men. Choose the time and place and events where you will think about him and your feelings - and seek support if you struggle with this.

so2u: 2008-06-21

says: Without going into details, I'll just say there was, physical, sexual, and emotional abuse in my family. I was 33 before I knew I hated my father; didn't know I had the option. He was as WW ll decorated fighter pilot in the Marine Corps. Once I realized the anger I had toward him, I thought I would never be able to forgive him. Gradually over the years I came to understand more about his life, remembered how much he adored me when I was little... and through grace (and therapy), was abel to have compassion for what had created his anger and ability to abuse. I didn't need to forgive him for what he had done, I needed to accept all of him... just the way he was-!! The good and the bad. This grace has helped me to learn to love myself and others just the way they are. It's become my Work of Heart-!! I'm so sorry for your situation, hate keeps out the love but never destroys it. You are not alone in your struggle. Love, compassion, forgiveness are available for the most difficult challenges we are given. If your intention is to get through these feelings you will. In the end the grace that love brings will be greater than the hate you are feeling now.