I was born in the segregated state of North Carolina.  Winston-Salem to be exact, October 29, 1954.  Be black then was a far cry from today  My family blacks with Indian mixed on my fathers side and none that I know of on my mothers side.  I was raised in Madison, NC. by my maternal grand mother and my brother was raised with my paternal grand mother in Winston-Salem.  The distance between the two was about 35 miles.  Both parents were alcoholis and separated sometime after my birth.  Being a darker complextion than my brother I went to Madison.  Most of the kids on my streets were either older or younger than myself and grand ma Jesse was not about to let her grand baby go just anywhere because "Those Children were half raise and I wasn't going to be that way".  Well a lot more dysfuction in my life and in the rebellious 60 I had to join in.  Do my thing.  Well that got me kicked out of the ninth grade, I was only then sent to one of North Carolina's finist reform schools, Stonewall Jackson School For Boys.  Spent 19 months there only because I didn't want to go back to Madison.  Grand mother had died the year before.  Oh yes I had a step grand father who tried to take care of me to no avail.  Left reform school and joined Job Corps to learn a trade.  I was sent to Estacada Ore in November of 1971.  I was placed in plumbing and didn't not like it.  They even had the nerve to say I had an attitude problem.  I just couldn't imagine them saying some thing like that to me.  How could they.  Ok I understand that I did have a little bit of a problem.  March of 72 Marine recruters came out to the post and I decided I needed to learn how to kill people because I was tired of being scared of my own shadow.  Hey, 6' 1/2" 195lbs, I had no business being afraid of anything, other than the bears in the Mt Hood forrest and since everybody was my fear was justfied.  Are you getting a sense of how mentally out of wac I was.  It has been said that if alcoholic didn't have the booze or drugs we would have committed suiside.  Some alcoholic that quit drinking do kill themselves because yes folks it get a little uncomfortable in our heads.  That another reason for being on these pages, I really don't want to die sober and until I can get out of poor pitiful me.  We won't talk about that.  Well I do believe that God had something to with my parent consent being lost in the mail May 1972 because they were taking everybody to Viet Nam and really didn't care I lived through it or not.  I just know that I would be different if I lived and to me I would be solved (problem).  I was joining with another guy on the buddie plan.  He goes, I stay and the first chance he get to write a letter to me he tells me not to come because he knows I don't like authority.  Wow!  First I'm hearing that I have an attitude problem and then I here I have a problem with authority.  The nerve of all these people.  I'll shoe them. So turning 18 on Oct. 29, 1972 I registered and joined the United States Air Force.  I'm starting to see, with the help of my future x-wife that maybe I do have an attitude problem but what do I do about it.  Needless to say 18months 3days from March 2, 1973 I was told that I would be leaving the United States Air Force.  I would get an honorable discharge because I did not seem to be adapting to military life.  Later that month my astranged mother died from alcoholism, father had already died late 1971.  To me it didn't matter because I didn't know them anyway,at least that's what I told myself.  I get married June 4, 1975.  Drank more, did heroin and everything else I could.  My wife was still in the USAF and in Jan. 1978 got transfered to Offutt AFB I went along for the ride with hopes of changing.  Got drunker, separated, she moved to Germany and before she left she told me that along with a bad attitude I was an alcoholic and of course be being a good alcoholic I argued with her to no avail.  Drank and drug in Omaha, Bellevue, accross the river in Iowa.  Finally got pulled over for speeding and had to go to treatment.  I know something was wrong with me but they didn't make sense.  Came to Amarillo Tx. April 1990.  Thought I would stop when I got here, nope.  Overdose on cocaine October 1990.  Went to treatment to 3 time in in 11 months.  Sept. 12, 1991 I stayed straight for 8 years and I still didn't feel like I belonged.  Stopped going to meetings, started taking pain killers around 2000, yeah I got married one more time in Sept. 11,1999.  Diviored 2002 because she wasn't acting the way I wanted her to act.  Selfish and self-centeredness.  I'm back in recovery again after losing a $50,000.00 a year job.  I have been told that my getting that job was a great achievement, maybe it was but I didn't get to keep it, that's what sticks out in my mind.  My biggist problem today is motivation along with trusting that all of this will work.  This is me in a grapefruit size nut.  I know I'm not stupid but as far as sanity goes, there maybe thin ice under me.  If you read all of this then you will that I don't know anything about relationships, any kind.  I think I will do better in this because the interaction is on screen, still scared.  This is me!!