I am a single mother of a 3 year old boy. I suffer everyday with a condition known as Fibromyalgia. I am a full time student. My major is ASL (sign language) and I love it. Currently I am struggling with so many different situations (finances, education, abusive relationship, health, etc.) and I really need to make some big changes. Hopefully I can get the tools I need here to push through and create a life me and my son are comfortable with. I used to enjoy life, I used to believe in it. For years now I have felt that life is a race, a competition in which only the rich and pretty achieve happiness and success. I hope I am wrong! I live in a trailer and have drunk, drug addicted neighbors. I have no car and am recieving government assistance, I have no friends and my family isn't there. It's hard to see the beauty in existing when you are faced with such adversity. I find myself becoming more and more bitter these days. Walking to the grocery store, I see happy couples, nice cars, healthy and active people. What do they have that I don't? What do they deserve that I don't? Why can't I do that? Why do I always fall short? I almost can't imagine having a different life...and that's all I want! I want more for my son and I. I feel that with my physical and emotional limitations we may never have that life, that we may never get off of assistance, that I may never find a meaningful relationship (with someone who is not abusive and who understands and accepts me and my son), that we may never have a decent car or clothes to wear that we look good in and feel good in. I know some of this sounds petty, but I haven't had the joys of knowing some things and experiences. I feel ready to change what I can to get closer to contentment and inner serenity. I just want to go to sleep at night for once and not worry or dwell, then I want to wake up greeting the day with a smile and a willingness to live life to fullest like I have never known.
My father molested me and my 3 sisters, then bailed. He left my mom to raise us. She worked a lot, sometimes 3 jobs at once. We practically raised ourselves. Our house was always filthy, we never had money. We moved to a more rural area and that was it. We were exposed to so much where we lived. Sex, drugs, alcohol. You name it, we ended up doing it. When we returned to the city, we were almost full grown women with no life skills and no self esteem or confidence. I've always been really good at faking confidence and so that's what I did. I still do it! Our crazy, out of whack lifestyle continued on. All the while I was developing a bad inferiority complex and an anxiety disorder. I tried to get back into school and that came back to bite me. I felt like I was good at nothing, but I continued to try, to believe and trust that soon enough I would be happy. Well, I ended up pregnant at 22 years old. My daughter was born pos-tox for marijuana and I lost her to CPS who turned her over to my mom. My mom adopted her and so started the beef between my mother and myself, though it has actually been an on and off deal most of my life. As a child I was the hyper one that was always getting into things. That only got me into trouble and I took on the class clown role. My peers loved me, but authority figures and the like did not. I guess I was just lost and a scared little girl looking for some attention. I only wish I would have been loved more, thought about more, hugged more. Around age eleven my mom and I got into a big fist fight. I was tired of her hitting us, screaming at us, throwing things...and one night I fought back. From that point on I was either homeless, staying with friends or sleeping in my car. It's been a rough journey which has shaped and molded me accordingly. I know it's not as bad as some, but I feel like I have lived in a personal hell from a child. I've done the best I could and am where I am because of my mistakes, beliefs, and actions.
My future...Well, I don't want to get my hopes too high, but I would like to see improvement in my future. I would like more stability in all aspects of life for me and my son. I would like to earn a degree and start a career or maybe have my own business. I would love to travel one day. In the more immediate future I would love to attain certain goals such as aquire a vehicle, get my son into school, pay off some bills, get into an apartment or something other and better than our trailer, and I would like to exercise more. Most importantly I would like to set boundaries with my sons dad, who also lives in the trailer park, so that I no longer feel harassed and badgered by him. I'm hoping that one day my sons father will be able to co-parent and quit abusing me because of his own weaknesses and insecurities. I may have to get down and dirty with this guy. He is very manipulative and insistent. He can be almost militant in his pursuit of breaking me down. So I hope that one day I can have a normal life with my son, have the independence that I need to run my life by myself, and hopefully have someone who loves me and my lil guy to share it all with.