Crappy day

I don't have internet access anymore at my house (I was freeloading of an open network) so I can't get my tools done in the morning.

I'M FRUSTRATED! And not handling it well, nor in a positive way.

Right now I'm at mom & dads and that's burning my ass bad because part of my recovery even before TOOLS was to not spend time here. It feels like I'm sliding back into being dependent on them. it feels like shit.

I've looked up internet providers, but local ones say they don't offer service, which is not true since the other folk in my park get it. I guess I have to break down and actually talk to one of them to see who they have.

But that brings up another complaint - I DON'T HAVE THE MONEY TO BE DOING THIS!!! I'm yeeling because I'm still frustrated. Opportunity my ass. I've wasted my whole fucking day doing this and trying to figure something out and I still don't have shit to show for it.

I'm self-indulging and perpetuating a very negative cloud here. But what do I do?

I didn't bike today. I didn't work out yesterday. 

Oh, hey, but a positive thing occurred to me - last night I ran a different route. I was worried about running by the road cus I''m so self-conscious about how I look (even tho it's dark - how silly is that?!?), but I decided that when I got up to the main road, I would take a left and run down about 1.5 miles and back. I had to pass that local bar where the grungy guys sit outside and of course they stared (they have nothing else to do), but I kept focused mostly and did fine.

It was also BEAUTIFUL running near the beach at night! The waves were loud and I could smell the sea and the sky was dark even though there were a lot of lights on by the condos.

There - I feel better. I can do this, I know I can. The frustration knocks me down, but I keep finding ways to try to get back up.

Gotta go get in action right NOW! 

Comment (1) View (185) Show support

Tags: Anxiety