Deep and difficult emotional work today.

Day 51 has an exercise to forgive past wrongs and I have been struggling all day with this since reading it this morning.

I posted in my Accountability Group a question on how to forgive if the person doesn't and won't acknowledge the hurt they have caused you. I got some great answers, but of course I have to find my own answer since that's the only thing that'll truly help me let go and move on.

So one thing I did is: in my Grateful List that I just did a few minutes ago, I wrote down 2 positive attributes about my mom, dad, and brother (and 1 each about my 3 grandparents who are no longer living). And the final item I put: "I am grateful that I've had such wonderful people in my life."

And that helped, even though it was difficult to come up with 2 things I liked about my family members (but not difficult at all about my grandparents, whom I could go on and on about). Isn't that horrible? So I decided I'm going to make a list of at least 5 things I like about them each. Right after I post this.

Another thing I did is go through old photos, especially of me and my brother - with whom I'm somewhat estranged - together as kids, laughing and playing and having a good time. I want to remember that part of him and remember our strong bond early in our lives. A picture of the day my Mom & Dad brought me home from the adoption agency, with my then 2 year old brother leaning over me and planting a huge smushy kiss on my pudgy little face made me break down and cry. It was a beautiful picture.

And I don't want to be estranged from him. I don't want to show up at our mother's funeral, having not talked in 20 years, and leaving without even saying hello - like my mom and her brother did when at Gram's funeral when she died 3 years ago. It's up to me to let go of the past and try to make some sort of connection now. It's not too late...

WHile going through the pictures, I also came up with a great idea for a family present: I'm putting together all the pictures I have of us over the years at christmas. I have ones from 30+ years ago up to the present day. I'm gonna call it "Happy Ghosts of Christmas' Past". This project will also be very healing for me, I think.

I love my family and know I have hurt them like they have hurt me. We're all human and we all have flaws and sometimes fail the ones we love. I want to be present NOW in my relationships with them before the day comes when I don't have them in my life anymore. And it will come, so I must live now with them, live every precious moment I still have with them.

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Tags: relationships