Love (and Lust) like a drug

It's appropriate today's lesson (Day 61) is on drugs, because I've been struggling with a relationship that is as addictive and destructive as any illegal substance...

A few days ago I even messaged him:

I want u bad too
but you're like crack:

a hell of a great rush
but not good for me
(not because you're a bad person)
I can never say no

Nancy Reagan would be so disappointed in me, ! For all of you kids out there who weren't even born when the Berlin wall fell, Nancy Reagan is the wife of then-president Ronald Reagan who coined the memorable but overly simplistic anti-drug slogan, "Just say no" [to drugs]. Of course, that's exactly what Coach Steele exhorts us to do in todays exercises - just say no.

Anyway, I knew from the start it could never turn into a relationship since I'm a lot older than he is. I  went into the physical side of our relationship (we were, um, "f-buddies") knowing there'd be bad consequences.

I know - through hard lessons - that for a relationship to be healthy for me I have to have an emotional connection with my partner.  This isn't what would ever happen between me and J.

It's like I saw a documentary on the evils of crack (teeth loss, appearance changes, crime, crack babies, etc), but then went down to the corner to buy some anyway.

It occurred to me that if he was like crack to me, that by continuing to have any relationship with him was like purposely choosing to give in to my cravings.

And that's a type of madness. A willful madness. I want the madness to end. 

So last night, I erased all of his contact info - his phone #, his email addy, his IM persona. I could still find ways to get a hold of him, but they would require work, so it's less likely I'd contact him spur-of-the-moment and do something impulsive I'd later regret.

This was a huge achievement for me. I usally remain in unhealthy relationships because it's more difficult sometimes to be alone.

But this time I chose health over dysfunctional behavior. That's a grand step forward for me!

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Tags: relationships