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Join Now Angry at Tool's money lesson (warning, long rant ahead) by oceanheart
 
oceanheart
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Angry at Tool's money lesson (warning, long rant a

 

 

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oceanheart

  oceanheart

Sun, Jan 06 12:00 AM

Angry at Tool's money lesson (warning, long rant ahead)

 

I've had a strong negative reaction to the money section on day 69 - for reasons I'm not entirely aware of yet.

 

Strong emotions in myself are usually indicators of something deeper, so I need to sit down and listen to what my inner voice is trying to tell me. I will try to do that here in this blog entry, because I think it's very important somehow.

 

The anger is a defense mechanism, a way of lashing out because I feel vulnerable. Why?

 

Does it have to do with my low self-esteem? The feeling I used to have - and still do to some extent, tho I'm working hard to change it - that I am somehow less than good enough? That there's something wrong with me? That I'm fundamentally flawed? That I'm a loser.

 

For some reason right now I'm equating having money with having worth as a person. I don't have much money and I'm not making any, even though I have a master's degree. Maybe I see myself as a loser because I have not lived up to the potential of both my intelligence and my talents. Or that I had sold out any dreams I may have had for someone else's idea of what's important. Money is very important to my dad, he grew up poor. He has made much money for himself, even though he was a teacher. He can be both generous AND miserly with his money.

 

I don't know how to make money. I'm resistant to making money. I don't know why. Maybe because I don't value the same things as my family and feel like I want to express my own sense of what's important. Or because I don't know its true value because of where I grew up. Or because I equate money with negative things.

 

Where I live right now is populated by extraordinarily wealthy people. A house was in the newspaper listed for sale for $6 million dollars... That's not out of the ordinary here. I myself live only in a mobile home that was way too expensive, but is near the beach, so it's worth it. 

 

I rant all the time about the obnoxiousness of the rich people here. Some of their behavior is truly disgusting: the way they treat servers in restaurants as if they were personal servants and stupid ones, to boot; how they drive in their ridiculously gauche hummers, as if they own the road; how the women here are nothing but chemicals and plastics stuck on bones (anorexic, botoxed, and fake-breasted), they have too much money and not enough self-esteem. Too much money can buy its owner a feeling of privilege, which is often expressed in bad treatment of others.

 

There are those rich folks who are nice, of course. But the level of waste these people engage in without even a second thought almost negates their personality; a 4,300 square foot vacation house used only occasionally when the owner comes in town; a woman spending thousands on redecorating an apartment she rents out because she wants it to look perfect! Watch a PBS documentary on some 3rd world slum sometime - how about those who live picking through garbage dumps - and you tell me that isn't disgustingly wasteful (and yes, I'm guilty of it myself, too).

 

I also hate the wealth disparity I see here: the white rich folks vs. the barely-scraping-by latinos, asians, and eastern Europeans. The line is sharply drawn here, and it's often drawn by color.

 

So, see I can rant a lot about excess money, especially because of the contrast from where I grew up, which was an army base on an island in the pacific where money was hardly relevant to having a good life. It was sub-radar because there was very little to buy with it! We all had government housing. We all rode the same kind of bikes (no private cars allowed on island). There were no fancy restaurants or outward signs of status. Everyone pretty much had the same things. It didn't make it paradise, but it was a pretty laid-back and happy place.

 

I feel better having gotten some of that poison out of my system, but I'm thinking now that even though everything I said was true - that I believe it to be true - it also was maybe a way for me to hide from my true feelings, which I started out this blog describing.

 

The sense of not having worth in myself and  my lack of money is proof...

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# Tags: inner voice

 

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Bda Bda:

I'm not on your day....but I know what you mean

I read a book every year - "the search for significance".  It tells of the lie:  self worth = performance + opinions of others. I have believed this lie in many ways for years....and about 6-7years ago I read this book and I do my best to lay down the performance trap.  Caution - it is a Christian book - but I believe the message is universal....we are of value simply becasue we exist...our worth is not based on how we perform at anything - includign pumping up our accounts.

 

Also - I did a Suze Ormon tape one year....very powerful exercise about my core belief system about money...and how it drives my behaviour and perception about money.....she has people recall their first "money memory". 

 

Mine was that I didn't have enough money for milk money for school and I would have to go without....and that milk was all that I would be having for lunch......so my core money vision is of not having enough....and boy, I do work my butt off.....so that I will have enough...two decades ago I was described as driven...not because I wanted money...but because of excessive fear of not having enough...money is a huge topic!

 

There is good news!  Once you realize your core memory and belief system - you can change it!  You are correct - something is going on here for you......I hope you get to the bottom of it!

gshell gshell:

I am not on your day either but...

Yeah...I am not sure what the lesson was about either, because I am not there yet, but maybe there is nothing wrong with how you feel about money. I am not saying you should not have enough to get by but...there are plenty of people out there with money that are very unhappy and are not very nice people. 

 

Also...parental influence is very strong with how you feel about yourself. Even though you are older and independent of your parents sometimes that little thought pops up saying, "If my parent(s) could see what I am doing or thinking now, they would have a coronary."

 

Anyway you seem to have a pretty good head on your shoulders...you will figure out what is right for you!

ABetterMe ABetterMe:

Looking forward to day 69....

Wealth is a curious thing. I believe that it is a state of mind, so it will be interesting to hear what Coach Steele's message is about money, and how it relates to wealth.

 

Good luck on your quest oceanheart. I doubt very much that whether you have money or not has anything to do with your true worth. And, You most definitely are not a loser.

 

Sincerely,

ABetterMe 

Itstime Itstime:

Wow Day 69

I'm on day 60 and I must say your blog has definitely peaked my interest.

 

First let me say, you are not a loser, and that your blog tells a great story.

 

I hope it made you feel better to at least vent and blow off some of that steam, that is the joy of blogging, it allows us to express ourselves.

 

It also revels some deep issues we need to deal with so we can "fagetta-bout-it" as Coach says.

 

All I can say is continue your journey through TOOLS and let the magic unveil itself in side you.

 

P

dru2 dru2:

balance

great post! 

 

i struggle with the balance of how materialistic to be.

 

you can do a lot of great things with money. but then it is easy to go overboard, and where does it stop?

 

why "keep up with the Jones'"? should we have a new car when the old car is still working fine? --especially when it requires a car payment!

 

money is a form of comfort.  no matter how much i have, i always want to have extra so it is not a source of WORRY. maybe the way of doing and being at ease.

 

next, i want money to equal freedom: to work when and on what we choose, to travel, etc. 

 

i hope our society becomes like star trek where there is no money and no greed!  self worth is linked to your duty and individuality.

Dabble Dabble:

Money money money

Oh Oceanheart - I see that this Blog is old and I do hope you haven't lost courage about tools because of the money issue.

I am so with you.  My birth family is materialistic whether they have money or not. And the ones that live in affluence have no interest or concern about all the others in their world who do not.  They are conservative, critical, and blind, really - but it is difficult to see around THINGS.

Of course, I'm one to talk - I have a comfortable home, etc.  But I have no desire to increase my income.  I just want to manage it better, as I realize full well I have more income than 70% of the population and yet I am always in debt.  Tis inexcusable and irresponsible and childish.  I need to grow up and treat money like an adult.  And that's what I took away from those lessons. 

Hope you rejoin us, OH.  I miss you.

DA