It's appropriate today's lesson (Day 61) is on drugs, because I've been struggling with a relationship that is as addictive and destructive as any illegal substance...
A few days ago I even messaged him:
I want u bad too
but you're like crack:
a hell of a great rush
but not good for me
(not because you're a bad person)
I can never say no
I knew from the start it could never turn into a relationship since I'm a lot older than he is. I went into the physical side of our relationship (we were, um, "f-buddies") knowing there'd be bad consequences.
I know - through hard lessons - that for a relationship to be healthy for me I have to have an emotional connection with my partner. This isn't what would ever happen between me and J.
So right fom the start I set myself up for failure.
It's like I saw a documentary on the evils of crack (teeth loss, appearance changes, crime, crack babies, etc), but then went down to the corner to buy some anyway.
It occurred to me that if he was like crack to me, that by continuing to have any relationship with him was like purposely choosing to give in to my cravings.
And that's a type of madness. A willful madness. I want the madness to end.
So last night, I erased all of his contact info - his phone #, his email addy, his IM persona. I could still find ways to get a hold of him, but they would require work, so it's less likely I'd contact him spur-of-the-moment and do something impulsive I'd later regret.
This was a huge achievement for me. I usally remain in unhealthy relationships because it's more difficult sometimes to be alone.
But this time I chose health over dysfunctional behavior. That's a grand step forward for me!