One big achievement

It's day 7, which is an achievement in itself since I've been very faithful in logging in every day and doing the work.

But I had an even greater success than being consistent and following through. It was due to the lesson on the inner voice. I've always had problems listening to my gut. For years I let others' wants come before mine, even at the expense of my self-respect, or at risk of harm to myself.

My boyfriend wanted to come over after 10:30pm. I've been trying to implement a schedule of going to bed at 9:30 and asleep at 10, partly so I could have enough energy the next morning, but also a a general way to take care of myself and have a steady routine, which is very helpful with having ADD!

I hadn't been able to see him in an intimate setting for a week since he was taking care of his kids, and so I wanted to see him. I almost let him come over, but something was nagging at me. That's when I checked with my inner voice and actually listened to it. I knew what was best for me - not letting him come over. And so I didn't.

That was a major step for me, because he was upset and I have difficulty risking getting others upset at me. But I did the right thing and I'm glad. I need to have those boundaries up so that I don't get taken advantage of (no matter if it's done unconsciously).

I'm very proud of myself, even tho the next night (last night), he wanted to come over late again. I had expected him much earlier, but he still had his kids to take care of. So he wanted to come over at 10. I first said no, but then I waffled a bit because I wanted to see him. I finally said, let me think about it and I'll call you back. I couldn't decide, even tho I knew what my IV was telling me (don't let him come over). I was torn. But luckily he called back and said never mind because he felt bad I had already said no. He said he wasn't going to come over.

It's tough because I'm also afraid of rejection and part of me still has that desperate need to please others. I don't like that part of me much. I'm getting stronger, tho. 

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Tags: relationships