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Breakthrough Day For Me!

2007-05-27 00:00:00 GMT

This morning I weighed in at 275 - my first goal accomplished and now I move on to lose the next 25 pounds and am aiming for 250 pounds. It's been 39 days since I started and every day I feel stronger and more committed to the program. I can do this. I want to do this. I long for health, strength and the ability to move through my life and chores with ease. When I am on the treadmill, I find it difficult sometimes but have added peppy Dominican music to help me move to the beat and have put several goal signs up on the wall which help to motivate me..."You may have to approach a problem more than once to conquer it....keep on keeping on....stick to the fight.....enjoy the journey" and these words are making a difference. Today I managed 45 minutes on the treadmill for the very first time. I can actually see my future and believe I will eventually work up to the hour and three miles that I set as a goal. I walked my dog today, smelled the flowers, enjoyed the outdoors, and painted a beautiful picture with my watercolours. My life is lovely and I can only wonder why I waited to so long to take charge of me. I send out best wishes to all of you who are struggling with your diet. Don't struggle. Decide. Decide to take care of you and be patient. It takes time but is worth the wait.
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Sorting my choices and making the right decisions

2007-07-04 00:00:00 GMT

Every minute of every day I am faced with choices. Do I sleep in a little longer or do I get up and walk the dog? Do I have eggs for breakfast (with my high cholesterol) or cereal? Shall I watch the Price Is Right or listen to my two tapes on image and exercise. I can honestly say that it is almost impossible to make the right choices consistently without the constant reminder to myself of what I really want from my life. If I didn't have the affirmations on the wall to read, the tapes to listen to and the time to think hard about how far I have come and where I want to go next, it would be so easy to just suck my thumb like a little girl and ask for a cookie! Wrong! I am a grown up now, responsible for myself and for my growth. I want more from this life. I long for the respect of others and I need to have self respect. I love the phrase, "doing what needs to be done with courage and dignity. Lately I am finding it more difficult to keep up my level of exercise. Pain lives here and some days I am less able to ignore it than others. Still, I know in my heart that if I can just push past pain and do what I need to do, my strength will return once more. Today I skipped my treadmill and machines and did two long walks with my dog and an hour in the pool with weights instead...a little easier of me and I am hoping it will rest my muscles enough that I can resume my regular routine tomorrow. It's hard to cook right for myself alone. But today I made a pot of healthful vegetable soup from scratch and had a wonderful nutritious dinner so even though my husband will not be home until tomorrow night, I am taking care of me! It's nearly nine in the evening, time to go upstairs with my little dog. I think a long soak in the tub, some grapefruit body cream and early to bed is just the ticket. Sending love to all of you who have been so supportive and loving to me. Thank you so much.
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The Dreaded Bathing Suit!

2007-07-09 00:00:00 GMT

I guess I look worse naked but much better in clothes especially after losing my first 46.5 pounds. I was thinking that the cellulite on my thighs was almost gone and bravely posed for my husband to take a photo....Yikes! Better than I was but still a long way to go. No point in getting upset though. Pictures help me to see reality because without them I simply imagine myself as I wish to be. This can be a good thing but it also can be dangerous because not facing reality makes it very difficult to gather my resources to change it. I am moving day by day in the right direction. Today my friend Pat and I went shopping....it was shopping day after all and I was thrilled to fit into size 20 pants (from 26 before) and 1X tops or size 20 blouses instead of 4X or 26/28. I bought five new things and came home almost dancing. We had a good healthy lunch and went into the pool for our exercises to the music of Freddy Mercury! I have booked a private pilates lesson on Thursday so will add that to my list of exercises. Imagine! I began on the treadmill for 10 minutes, then collapsed with exhaustion. Now, I can do 30 minutes, the bike, the rowing machine, weights in the pool, stretching with my bands and am adding a new form of exercise that would have been too hard for me a few short months ago. This is working. I'm getting better every day every way!
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Oh, Happy Day - I Am Surprising Myself!

2007-07-10 00:00:00 GMT

I have been longing to go to Toronto and visit my sister but couldn't manage to talk my husband into driving me there. He prefers to stay home and golf. I could take a train but it's very expensive so I called my son and asked him if he might be coming for a visit any time soon and would he take me? He is too busy with work. I was surprised and delighted this morning when my sweet sister called and offered to come here, visit for a few days and drive me back to Toronto with her for a week. Now, you may think I can't drive and that is absolutely not true. I don't drive well...have had my share of careless accidents and tickets, even lost some points once years ago, but I can drive. The fact is I have not driven any distance for about 15 years since my retirement which was because of illness, exhaustion and problems with my memory. Since sparks and tools I have lost almost 50 pounds, exercise every day and am feeling so much better. I am gaining my power back and when I told my husband that my sister would come and pick me up, he said that I really ought to just drive myself if I wanted to go so badly. WOW! He is right. What am I doing acting the invalid when I am getting so strong and energetic? Now, my plan is to take the car and go to Toronto next Monday for a week visit without putting anyone else out except myself (and I'm the one who wants to go so why not?) This may not seem a major breakthrough to many of you but to me it is life empowering. For goodness sakes, why should I depend on others to do that which I can do perfectly well all by myself? I have been dancing through this day and feeling very good about me. A few years ago I purchased some really wild slacks that I adored even though they didn't fit by a long shot. They were quite expensive but on a sale that was irresistible and so they have lived in my closet ever since. They finally fit and I am pleased as a cat with a bowl of cream. Lucky me!
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Trying to find peace...or be satisfied with "now"

2007-07-23 00:00:00 GMT

I'm home again and tired from the trip, anxious to catch up on tools and to unpack my new clothes from shopping with my sister. I feel so proud of myself having lost 54 pounds....now down to 250 where I haven't been for years. Then, I think about my beautiful sister who has also been dieting and is at her goal weight of 150....a mere 100 pounds LESS than me and wonder if I'll ever get there! Shopping with her was great fun but frustrating as I helped her pick size 8 and 10 items. I guess the important thing is not to compare to anyone else...if I compare at all, it should be to myself and where I was. This is a secret thought but until lately I have felt like I was walking around in the world without having a sex...not male and not female...just nothing. I guess lots of fat women must feel this way, as if they have lost themselves somewhere along the way. When I fit into a flowing size 16/18 sundress, I was elated, twirled around and thought I could see vestiges of the woman I used to be. I felt like laughing and dancing and could hardly wait to get home and show Bob my new dress for the cruise. In tools tonight I wrote my rules for living giving them much thought and energy. One rule must be to accept and love myself as I change and to continue to be kind to this inner woman who is trying so desperately to find herself...it's somewhat like the feeling of being a fat caterpillar hidden inside a chrysalis waiting to emerge - a creature of light and beauty who can fly into the sunshine and leave the cares of the world behind. FOCUS SUSAN....FOCUS. I have to remember to keep doing what I am doing knowing that for certain the accumulation of exercises every day and the accumulation of eating nutritiously every meal will pay off over time. I'm halfway there. Halfway to the goal I set for myself of 200 pounds....a woman as tall as me will look and feel good at that weight. Perhaps I will decide once I am there to set another lower goal weight but for now, one meal at a time, one mile at a time on my treadmill, I am heading in the direction of my dreams. The picture is baby Stephanie, my sister's new grand daughter, only three weeks old, precious and beautiful. We all came into the world this way, loved and exquisite....how sad that somewhere along the way we lose our belief in our gifts!
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You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it!

2007-07-24 00:00:00 GMT

Truer words were never spoken. I used to think if I exercised hard or dieted for a week, my dreams would come true. Of course, it takes much longer and my lack of patience, my unwillingness to believe in the process, my general laziness caused me to quit before I had seen the results I longed for. I now have the poster on the wall where I exercise and I read it slowly every single day before I begin and several times again while I am working out....the thought has to resonate inside my brain...I feel the truth of it and am inspired to keep on keeping on. Today I did my treadmill, stretched, spent an hour in the pool with weights and walked the dog. I ate the right things and I trust that if I keep this up day by day my reward will come. I have to "PAY THE PRICE"!
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Getting Organized!

2007-07-25 00:00:00 GMT

I came home with new clothes for the cruise that I purchased in Toronto plus clothes my sister gave me that don't fit her any longer. In my closets I have things that are way too big finally and a few things that are still too small. Time to get organized. Bob left early for a day on the golf course, it was pouring rain outside so I hunkered down and began to sort drawers, closets and storage. I bought 6 hampers from the dollar store, marked them, ironing, mending, too big, too small, give away and underware. What a surprise to discover six skirts that fit and once I looked hard enough I was able to find blouses or tops to complete the outfits...I added the right bests and have the beginning of an organized closet. It's not done yet but basket by basket I will deal with the items and put order back into my life. Now I can hardly wait to get up in the morning and decide what I will wear. I'm on day 74 and finished my personal laws which I know are going to make a big difference in my life. I printed it and posted in to the wall in the exercise room so I will read it every day. This is a good thing.

DID MY EXERCISES AS PROMISED!

2007-07-26 00:00:00 GMT

....AND, WOW DOES IT EVER FEEL GOOD!

I left the computer and changed clothes, did my treadmill, the bike and even rowed 60 rows. Then my son came by to announce that he too is going to begin a diet and exercise program so we went into the pool together to chat....I exercised with my weights and I am truly motivated again.

"We will do for someone else that which we would not do for ourselves"

It is a shame but I am inspired to keep on keeping on because my son has been moved to begin because of my 54 pound loss and how I am beginning to look and feel. I told him about the tools program and hope he will log on but who knows. Anyway, it is my job to keep doing what I have been doing so I can find my true self again. The hardest part is staying focused....it is so easy to just fall back into lazy patterns or to ignore my inner voice. I want this. There is no reason for me to even think about self-destruction now. Thank goodness for all of you out there who are helping one another!

Another Great Day! How Lucky Am I???

2007-07-27 00:00:00 GMT

Wow. Things are just getting better and better. I got up early, did my stretches and left to see my doctor with the goal of getting off some meds. She was so impressed with my 54 pound weight loss she said I could get off three of my pills which will save a ton of money not to mention the fact that I can feel healing taking place as a result of good diet and exercise. I get my cholesterol checked on Monday and if that goes well, I'll be off that pill also. Wonderful! Then my friend came to visit and we went shopping. Remember I had purchased some nice new clothes for the cruise last week in Toronto? Well, yesterday I discovered that the store had an additional 50% off the things I bought so I brought them back for a price adjustment and was able to get 5 more items and only spent an additional $4.00. We came back here for a healthy lunch and a one hour swim/exercise in the pool. I feel great! Life is good and I also joined the very small group of diet supporters (I think there are three of us) so I look forward to meeting the others and both getting and giving help with this ongoing process of losing weight.
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This clown face

2007-07-29 00:00:00 GMT

Wow! I am discovering that I have friends within the tools program who will reach out, send me love and encouragement and give me strength. It is such a surprise to discover that there are so many loving people out there. We searched for them all our lives but didn't know where to look or didn't recognize love when we found it. The computer is like a huge pot of delicious qualities and characteristics - friends I haven't met yet and people with whom I could share my deepest thoughts.

I include a picture of me dressed up as a clown one Hallowe'en when I went to visit my dear friend Cheryl who died shortly afterwards of cancer. During her illness we learned how to be honest with one another and stop all the surface talk knowing that the time we had was limited.

This poem reminds me of how I used to live my life: "I'm drowning friend, but no one reaches out for me. For a laughing face is all I'll let them see. I'm torn inside, all worn apart, but this clown face hides an all too heavy heart. My tears have simply drained my soul. There's just a black void inside. But I won't let you pull me up, I'll use my jokes to hide. The pain's unbearable, but I just say, "Fine, thank you, How've you been?" And if I die before I've lived, is it because I wouldn't let you in?

I guess I still do this with people near to me but I have found that within the tools program, it feels safe to be honest, to work hard at becoming all that I dream of and to reach out. I hope all of you feel the same way. Thank you for all the support you each have given to me and know that I am there for you too.