jpolet:

Hold the Shovel

I rarely give my thoughts on relationshipd because i am in no way an expert, I'm hopin that i get some things better the second time around....I think you are on the right track otter, you compliment him you sound as though you treat him well, that's the best you can do.....behind all men is a strong woman.  I admit that sometimes i'm not that responsive, and have not always responded to things i was supposed to but at risk of blaming the male mind, we are simple, if it itches we scratch, if it's hungry we feed, and sometimes when we are thinking of nothing we really are thinking of nothing.   I'm not sure if any of this is any sort of help to you, it's only a view through my window....but i can tell you I may not express it all the time but I feel the support of my wife in everything I do in life.  GOOD LUCK to you Otter!  I wish you the BEST!

otter:

Jpolet

Thanks for the insight. One of the things that we learn in tools is to face our fears. I am going to continue with the program with MY best intrests in mind. I just dont know how to talk to him. Everything is just always 'ok' and he never has an opinion on anything. Sex, dinner, travel or whatever his answer can always be made to fit either side. I have responsibilty in this too. I have a sharp tongue that gives deep lashes.

how do you feel the love if his version of love is to just be here. I am not sure he can give me what I need in the communication area. He is a great dad, caring lover and he works hard and comes home every night. But what if that insn't enough. That is what scares me.

I will face my fear an hope that end the end.....Love conquers all.

definitelythistime67:

I understand

For several years I purposely did nothing to make my life better because I knew in my heart that if I got better I would have to leave my husband. Thats no way to live and will kill a person over time. But it was different for me, I didn't love him and he was an addict and verbally abusive.

You obviously love your husband and are trying very hard to communicate with him. It sounds like  he's a good guy. What I hear from reading your post is that you are having "expectations" of how you want him to behave or react or communicate towards you. Having expectations is a sure-fire way to be disappointed. It doesn't seem that he doesn't love you or doesn't care, just that his communication style is very different from yours. There are lots of great articles on the web about these kinds of issues.

wishing you the best...

Sending you a hug

busymom76:

I Understand

Sending you a hug

DetonNation:

I tend to agree

with the above comment. You say he gives you no reaction.. if things have been status quo for a long time it will take an equal/fair amount of time and effort to repair the lines of communications and just to be able to relax and enjoy each others company.  And change takes commitment, time, effort on your part and his. He has to know what you are up to, maybe talk about your relationship with each other and making things better and both get on the same page to work together.
And after all that is said and done, it takes more work! and then more! Better better.
Peace
Mike

paperqueen:

Completing yourself

One of the reasons I turned to Tools was also to improve my 39 year relationship! You'd think after that much time everything would be wonderful. NOT! What I've found out is that my other half was more complete than me! More self-assured, happy with the way things are, confident in his job and hobbies.  He liked me being around, kind of like a pet.  We don't like the same movies or activities.  WE are definitely opposites that attracted one another. Yet, he's a good guy--loyal,  funny and forgiving. It was me that had to change. But not to please him, but to please me without blaming him or complaining.

There's a part where Coach says marriage is not for us to complete the other--that the ring symbolizes our individual wholeness.  Take time to love yourself, feel good about who you are, and love, communication will follow, especially as you open up and are honest, in a likeable way.  I know what you mean about wishing there was more attention, more appreciation.  But I found once I started improving myself, the resentment I felt dissipated. Hang in there.  Your life list is very familiar to me.  I like how you put "Become a full circle" at the top. Letting go of anger is also important.  It's hard being a mom and wife.  Sometimes you wonder who's thinking about your needs.  I hope as you progress, you can communicate your desires to your husband so neither of you will feel alienated. 

Sending you lots of love

Bride2Be:

hang in there=]

dont give up . keep trying to communitcate. i know u have been at ur relationship longer than i have at mine, but i kept trying and trying...it felt as though it was a waste of time bc no matter how in ur face i got with him, he would shrug it off and walk away or say i have nothing to say. its frustrating and it tests our patience.

but behind his brick wall ur words and strenght and patience will sink in.

once my fiance saw that i was moving forward and working hard at improving myself he stepped up to the plate i stop pushing at him so hard and started changing myself. then one day we got into a heated argument and it clicked it wasnt like talking to a brick wall anymore, he talked back with emotion and passion and we talked about everything. but the thing u need to take into consideration is dont point the finger, but say wat needs to be said. start focussing on urself as a whole.