But...it hasn't exactly been like that, although I have been able to pinpoint questions, problems and issues figure out what the hell is wrong and propose solutions -- which is a good thing.

Not exactly the "work on the screenplay, find and go to an audition, and have fun with the kids" day that my vision is, but...hey...good is all right, right? Better than bad?

It's the Divine Discontent that lingers, though. While I realize that I am well respected here - I'd really like to make more money to support my family, my interests and in a sense - my soul (time is money...more money can mean more time...more time can get you time, space, energy for meditation, prayers etc.)

So...really making more money CAN bring you closer to God. Whoa...that's set up some controversy....

But when you interview, shouldn't they be selling you on the job while you sell them on you in the job?

When he told me that I wouldn't be able to get it done in 40 hours a week and would be more like 60 and that "There is no such thing as a sick day" in this position, my knee jerk reaction was, "oh my, is that the time...gotta go..."

I didn't do that, of course, but really felt like it.

It brought me back to a show I auditioned for back in my first few days in Chicago. The director said,"If my production of Midsummer Night's Dream is not the most important thing in your life right now, there's the door."

I SOOO wanted to walk out then too. I mean, I love theatre. I love acting and I really want to succeed. But is it the MOST important thing in my life? Abso-freaking-lutely not. And I've met people for whom that IS true...and they are total whack jobs.

..and this job I just interviewed for? I am hearing the potential boss say similar things - and I DON'T have passion for that job. I'm not sure that this job is in the top 5 of my priorities.

Don't get me wrong. I'll work hard. I'll do a good job. But will I give up all my other interests and relationships to ensure the success of this program? No freakin' way.

And if that means the position passes me up? The position passes me up.

Could they just give me the money and I'll stay here?

I've never heard it switch off of this hip hop station and about every two hours Usher comes on singing about his 'baby' and the fact that 'there she goes'.

He, apparently is not ashamed to call her by her name (though he never gives her one in the song) and is convinced that shortly after they see each other again, they 'gone be twerking' (which I had to look up in the urban dictionary. It sounds a bit like what bees do to repel foreign objects from the hive.

Now to be fair, the co-worker in question hates the song as much as I do - we've started to call it our song -- joined as we are in hatred for it.

It reminds me of a show I did at a popular sports bar downtown. It was a murder mystery private party in a small room right off of the main video game floor. Every 30 seconds or so, the music would flair up and the video game would shreik, "Daaaaaaytonaaaa.", presumably to draw one to it like moths to flame, like lambs to slaughter, quarters being coughed up into the machine like tubecular lungs.

"There goes my baaaabeeee," sounds to me like that same shrieking video game and I am seriously considering smashing that radio from which it emits.

The other old boss said that he would be calling me and setting up an appt to talk to me at length.

So..so far, it's all good, bay bay!

I'm not sure why. I mean, he continually sang my praises when he worked here - and I continue to do small piecemeal work for him now and then for which he pays me a lot. So I know he likes me.

But there's something about the asking for more help that drives me a bit nuts. Will the girl I just asked to dance accept my offer? Will she laugh at me while I dance? Will I regret this?

hmm...perhaps this is a terrible analogy - since I've never been very good at asking women to dance, going on 'dates' or other such inorganic ways of starting a relationship.

Dunno. Just know that I want a job making 60G and sitting on my hands and whining about it doesn't seem to have worked.

If it's good - like the show I saw last night (Faith Healer at Oak Park Festival Theatre. If you are the Chicago area, GO SEE IT), you get depressed because you think they are so much better than you (and...well...in last night's case, that's probably true).

If it's bad, you think, "I should have auditioned for this, or should have been cast in this, I am so much better than this, why wasn't I given a chance."

God! What do people who just like to watch theatre feel after they leave the theatre?

The person in question makes more than my co-worker and I combined. He went out on a well meaning tirade of how unhappy people with million of dollars are.

Yeah, okay. So, if they are so miserable with all that money - give me half of it and maybe they'll feel better.

I know, I get it - the point is if you can't be happy when you are poor, you won't be happy rich either.  It's not the money that makes you happy or unhappy, it's the mind set.

I get that.

Now give me the freakin' cash.

There is a song by Good Charlotte, Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous that has a line, "If money's such a problem. They got mansions. I think we should rob them."

Well...I'm not proposing we rob the rich, but dude...you're unhappy, I need money - sounds like a win win if you give me some.

I think it's Mae West who said, "I"ve been poor and I've been rich.  Rich is better." While I understand the fact that problems that existed before wealth would still be there after wealth - there are some things that rich people don't worry about.

Say da missus is a little down and would like a shrink to talk to.  I would now have to wait until our flexible medical spending account re-ups, would have to see who is on our insurance list, etc.

but more than that - If I buy that shirt, which part of the groceries will I have to forgo?  If I buy that bagel this morning how long will it take to re-balance the budget?

I suspect that NOW, I would be a pretty darn good rich person. True, in my 20s - even 30s, I probably would've ended up...well...Charlie Sheen.

Then, I woke up, did my usual morning stuff...then...well see...Every morning since the boys were old enough to walk on their own, I would blow a kiss and a hug to them from the window as I'm on my way to catch the train.

Today, I saw an envelope I had left for a fellow board member in our vestibule. That reminded me of an e-mail I needed to send her, which in turn reminded me of something I had read in Twyla Tharp's book, "The Creativity Habit", in which she said when she gave notes to her dancers, she made an effort to remember the first 7 notes she wanted to give, before she wrote anything down.

I was trying to figure out how to best remember those 7 things I wanted to do today and got distracted and forgot to wave to the kids.

So really, it's Twyla's fault.

Or Dr. Joyce Brothers'

Or possibly the green onions.

But not mine.

I mean seriously - you know those horrible arguments you have with people just before you break up - the ones where you get everything out you always wanted to say, even making shit up if you have to?

I get more angry at my kids than THAT.

Any why?

I think Annie Lamott (Lamont? Have a hard time remeembering) says that its because of the rage you feel toward your boss, your sister, your BFF that you can't really express in the way it's perfectly acceptable to do to your children.

Someone on tools once said, that I should try to be more of a dick at work and save 'good Paul" for home. I see the point, but in general if you are an ass at work you get fired (or promoted, but it's a crap shoot) whereas in general, the people who love you as family will stay with you (even when they don't like you that much or...I should say, don't like what you are DOING very much).

I just googled "how to avoid getting angry at your children" and one of the gazillion hits I got was from someone who suggested that saying, in the heat of anger, "Thanks for letting me work on my character traits".

I'm not convinced it'll work, but I'll give it a shot.

Bueller? Anyone?