paperqueen:

Awareness

Don't beat yourself up. You can't avoid getting angry at your kids or your family.  They are comfortable targets. That's why it's easy to be honest with them. After all, they live with us. Don't they know, understand our needs by now? 

For as much guilt as you now feel for being terrible, depending upon the ages of your kids, they will forgive you quicker than you think.  In fact, they wish you would just apologize and do something nice with them. if you can do that, give them some positive attention and show them you are man enough to apologize when you have behaved badly, then maybe they will learn some decent ways to deal with their own unruly behavior.  I feel one should also figure out what truly was behind the anger and then come up with a solution so everyone knows what to do the next time the situation occurs. Hopefully, then, it will not be as extreme.

Please do talk to your kids. You and your wife should also work on some shared rules, fun, etc with the kids. It's hard, but we need to stop and learn to be more patient and better communicators. Also, kids do look for guidance, structure and consequences. One of my favorite shows is SuperNanny. Watch some episodes for lots of good ideas. You're an ok guy. Welcome to parenthood.

rcline23:

Know what you mean

Hi Paul,

I used to do this a lot too. It wasn't until I started really taking a look at where this anger was coming from and using tools to pause when agitated, saying a prayer, or a quick time out for meditation. That is what worked for me. Try next time giving yourself a time out and go take a walk or five deep breathes. It helped me and I hope it works for you. Remember that this stuff is modeled by our children later in life so it is up to us to stop the cycle.

paperqueen:

Cycles

So true about breaking cycles. Isn't that what Tools is all about? Listening to our inner voice, working on new, positive habits; making effort to have good relationships: at work, at play and at home. The other comments are soberingly true. I had a very authoritarian, angry father who couldn't give up his control and couldn't communicate. I understand a lot more about him now and have learned to forgive and move on. There was a lot of defiance in my family. Anger was the learned solution to most problems. We are ok now, but it's true, there was a lot of damage. I would hope you are trying to sincerely break the cycle, as I have been trying to do with my kids.  Meditation is another helpful tool. Learn your triggers, catch yourself, know you are upset before you start yelling, then take a time out. I hope everyone heals soon. Sending you a hug.