Back on-line and I find I am again settling into another level of being! I was pretty proud of my logging into tools everyday and forging ahead- definitely my perfectionist and ticking-boxes attitude coming to the fore!! I am currently travelling with my research, and have not had regular access to internet. Instead of worrying about 'falling behind' (which of course is all in my head anyways!) I have chilled out and given myself a bit fo a break. Before my daughter and I left to go on this trip, I was working very hard in all aspects of my life, with very little downtime. That included toolstolife. I have found the effect of doing tools immensely rewarding, but as with all things, I have had to watch my tendency to go 'all-out' or not at all. I now realise this pattern has had the effect of keeping me stuck in other patterns, and thus avoiding the need to change some fundamental things. So I have had to examine carefully my motivations and my behaviours to determine the difference between self-care in the form of giving myself a rest every now and then (and thus letting up on myself!!) and excuses. I realise now that I have often self-flagellated (such a great term!!) i.e. given myself a good beating for 'not doing enough' 'being lazy' and simply 'not being enough'. I am NOT lazy. Funny how this is a constant whisper in my head though (reinforced throughout my life by others- often when I was not doing want they wanted!) That is not an excuse or complaint either! Simply an acknowledgement of where that may have originated. It is a belief about myself that I have accepted. I realise now that I am immensely driven.
I am a single mum, I work full-time in a post-doctoral research fellowship, I manage two other smaller research projects, I work to support postgraduate students in their studies, and I co-supervise 4 postgraduate students also. With my work I travel regularly and am often away for weeks at a time, and have not stayed put in the same place longer than a month in the past year. I attend and present regularly at conferences and meetings throughout the country. My work is expanding and expanding and is beginning to include overseas travel and international contacts. I also prioritise family and friends as being the most important time I spend and I often have people coming and going in my house. I own my own home (and thus am responsible for maintenance!) I spend a lot of time with my daughter. I also devote time to meditation, prayer and self-care. With the help of tools to life I have set myself the goal of running a marathon and now train regularly for that. I now want to add learning to play the guitar and singing in a band to the mix!! I also have begun writing regularly and have many plans of writing books and papers (both academic and fiction) and intend to submit my first poetry book for publication in the next three months.
So no. I am not lazy. And that is the first time I have written it all down. I feel in control of my life for the first time ever. I have pushed through so much fear in the last few years and I continue to push through. Last night I felt very alone in my job. I am unsupported in the very fact that what I am attempting to do is in new territory for many fo the people I work with. This inspires fear in some and I have been treated unfairly and I would argue abusively by many people in the process.
But it simply wasn't true, this feeling I had. And I couldn't maintain it longer than a few hours, and it was a shallow nagging feeling, not the depth of despair I can vaguely remembering it being even just 6 months ago. I meditated and felt better immediately. I remembered I am very much loved and supported by those who care about me. For example, my cousin has come to stay with me while I am researching here with her wee boy, and looks after my daughter and her boy when I am working and we hang out and talk good deep conversations the rest of the time. I just got off the phone to Moana and she and I are supporting each other in our research careers and our lives and she is truly one of my dearest friends and soul sisters. She told me how she had been thinking positively of me this morning and I swear I felt it!! I went for a 50min run today when about a month ago I hadn't even started running again!! I could do THAT because my cousin was staying with us and she could watch the children while I went out.
I know I am not alone, because I simply couldn't do all I do without the help of all these supporters. I reminded myself that my life is overwhelmingly filled with positive and supportive people, and positive and supportive energy. And that I no longer choose to place my energy, focus or time into those few people who are actively damaging in my life. And to recognise and remember yet again that these people are in my life less and less as I choose not to accept these things in my life.
And I feel GREAT again today! And I feel joyful again today! And I am blessed and I really am being as successful as I want to be. As one of my good friends has taught me to say 'Hallelujah!!'
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