I am a single guy who has just gotten out of the navy and is in the process of starting up my own company. About a year ago I broke up wiht my girlfriend of 2 years because i was to scared to get married. I have dated other since than, and have not found anyone near my ex. I have a lot of stress with my personal life and my carrer. I take that stress out in the gym, although wiht injuries that I got while in the military it prevents me from doing certain exercises. So I hired a personal trainer that I see 3 times a week to help me out. I used to see her 3 times a week, and I would go in on my own 3 other days. See I am a type A personality. I do not like to lose, I do not like to be wrong, I do not like to ask for help, I do not like to admit my weaknesses or appear weak. This is part of the reason why I would go to the gym so much. It has been about 6 months since I started with her, and I have calmed down a bunch. The next thing is that when I drink, I go crazy. Beyond what most peple do. I blackout, I threaten to kill myself, I start crying and I send the worst text messages to my ex girlfriend. My ex and I have stayed close friends because without having her around I feel like I have no one else to talk to. This past friday (3 OCT 08) I had another one of these breakdowns. I live alone so I left the bar and walked home. I was sending text messages to my ex and a couple of other friends reading 'Peace Out' and 'I'm done'. I was also sending messages to my ex saying 'fuk u n die'. Apparently I got home and a buddy of mine came over to check on me. While he was there I destroyed a statue that was in my place and I procedded to load a gun and point it at my head. I calmed down after a bit and passed out in my bed. The next morning....I remembered nothing. Anytime a person from my old command dies, I wish it was me. I feel like I am a coward for getting out because of my injuries and that I left my family to fight the fight that I should be in with them

I have heard on the Jason Ellis show about this palce, and if I do not do something about my life and get out of this downward spiral, I am going to lose everything. I need help!

My past....well I was given up by my birth mom when I was a baby. I went from foster home to foster home. The state that I was living in officially declared me mentally disbaled. They said that I would NEVER read, write or speak. In one of the foster homes I was in, the people there were just after collecting the money from the government. Two foster kids in her care had dies within weeks of each other. THe police did a raid and removed the other children from her care. I was one of them. I was so badly dehydrated and under feed that I would have been the next baby to die in that house within the next couple of days. Now this was all told to me by my mom who adopted me, she was a social worker and is now a supervisor that over sees adoption. Anyway, I was finally put in this home where the couple loved me. They were doing all the paperwork to adopt me and keep me forever. Well taht did not workout because they got a divorice and so they took me away. This whole time people were treating me like I was retarded. Finally somehow my adopted mom got a hold of me. At the time she was an english teacher and a church school. She had already adopted a son from another family. It took awhile for her to get approved to adopt me becaues she was a single mom, and that was unheard of at that time. Finally I was adopted by her. She was told the samething about me being retarded but she did not believe it. She spent a lot of time working with me, and I give her all the credit for making me the writting, reading speaking man I am today. I do remember see a car slowly run over my brother when I was a kid. I was on my big wheels bike and biked hom and told my mom that a car was running him over. My mom ran out histerical and got the car to stop. I was an old man and he had started t back-up and knocked my brother off of his bike. So the car was trying to back over him and his bike, but the car was having a hard time doing that. Another memory is at the church school all the girls in my moms class wanted to wait with me at the bus stop. I guess a curly haird kid in red Osh Kosh overalls tends to attract attention. However I would throw horrible tempers if someone other than one specific girl would wait with me. I do not know why.

Now the darker part of my life.  As a young boy my adopted brother would rape me. He would blackmail me into it. If I did something wrong, he would say that he was going to tell on me unless I let him give me oral. In my mind I had to. I did not see it as a big deal at the time. He did this to me for years. See my brother is not all there. He is a bit of an oddball to be nice. But that is not an excuse for what he did. I have never confronted him about it nor have I told my mom. I just think it would devistate her is she found that out. I do not talk with my brother at all, and there are only a handful of people that know about this. When I drink and I blackout, that is one of the things that I talk about as I cry and say I just want to die.