HELLO BRAVE PEOPLE!  I'm Rhona, and I call you (us) 'brave' since I believe it takes immense courage to choose to face yourself and carefully assess what it is you can and cannot do....I'm the mom of 2 teenagers and proud of that, yet soon they'll both be off to college, which is one reason I want to have a career in place... before they leave!  It will be a huge change for me- having them leave- so my plan right now is to take my dream and put it into action so that I'll be well underway with my work and 'too busy' to let myself fall into the pit of despair (at least for an extended period of time) when the "crux" of my nuclear family changes the moment my son leaves for school in August; IT'S WHAT I WANT FOR HIM; but I ALSO want to show BOTH KIDS that they're intelligent, hard-working mother who's had some bad breaks is NOT EVER going to give up!!!!  And that NOW, at this point in life, that she is willing to put herself on the life and say, "I'M GOING FOR THIS DESPITE THE ODDS; I'M DETERMINED TO EXCEL AND CREATE A FUTURE THAT PRECISELY MATCHES MY VISION OF IT."  I need them to see that it does NOT matter what anyone thinks, no matter how seemingly "crazy", no matter my age, my past, my WHATEVER- this is MY TIME TO LISTEN TO THE VOICE THAT FINALLY TOLD ME WHAT I AM DESTINED TO STRIVE FOR AND HOW IT WILL BE ME AND MYSELF ALONE WHICH WILL DETERMINE THE LEVEL OF MY SUCCESS."  If my kids see that; it will reinforce their individual belief's that ANYONE CAN DO ANYTHING THEY WANT TO; AND THEY HAVE EVERYTHING THEY NEED INSIDE.  The "problem"?  Fear.  Of What???  THAT is what I ask them to ask themselves; and that, my friends, is precisely what it is I'm doing RIGHT NOW due to a VERY rapidly approaching "make or break (not a chance) opportunity I've been recently given; and both the past and the future have put my in a most unusual crossroads with myself NOW; just when I least need it OR when I MOST need to find my center and my balanced way of thinking.  Suddenly I've misplaced some of the resolve and 'tools' I'd had in place in order to conquer this super-challenge I've placed on my plate.  I KNOW I can find it within the next 48 hours, since that's all the time I have to LOOK FOR IT!   That's a half/half smile of sheer fear, and complete confidence combined; now it's time to extract that imaginary fear that comes from.......

I got a great education, pursued it for awhile, then found myself in love and on a roller-coaster ride that created almost a 'Bohemian lifestyle' which included travelling with my 'new love of my life's' R&B band in a SCHOOL BUS painted bright blue; 6 weeks on the road with a band!  (all the guys were my friends; it was a 'slice of life' one of MANY I've had!)...moved alot; Boston, San Diego, Bahamas for 6 years, San Diego, Downtown Chicago for a few years, back to San Diego in 1988 where I stayed put and married 'Mr. Bohemian' who taught me 'metaphysical concepts' which tied right in with all my 'self-help' books on self-love, self-confidence, self-esteem, self-image, SELF SELF SELF!  All that 'self' JUST to be unselfish! :)  Cool irony.  An artist myself, (yet with a strong 'corporate' DNA that is at my disposal), I'm a big left of center, am considered a little wacky, a friendly chatterbox, a warm and kind person who is definitely 'larger than life' in many ways.  Yet this WOMAN is a product of a young mother who did her best: and SOMETIMES a person's 'best' isn't what's TRULY THE BEST AT THAT MOMENT, so expectations were placed on me as a baby; by a woman who thought she was doing the right thing.  Highly criticized most of my life; leaving me without that core of confidence I'd once had, when I was happy and not 'being monitored' by a woman who wanted a perfect daughter; but 'got me instead'....(in her current estimation, even after all these years!)...when her fat adolescent turned into a swan it got REALLY BAD and I never believed how she wanted me to be so BEAUTIFUL for all the wrong reasons.  I was her science project and that tore me down. It may not sound 'bad', but it wasn't 'tragic'; just in the sense that it took me many years to come to terms with and begin to understand that it didn't matter what happened before; I HAD TO FIX IT IF I WANTED TO LIVE THE LIFE I ENVISIONED; TO HAVE THE ABUNDANCE I KNOW IS AT MY BECK AND CALL.....That the Universe is listening to my requests for its help in what I've chosen for my future...............

...and I do believe that my future has begun;  because of the economy, my inability to find work HERE (*68 'known' job rejections for being 'overqualified', and now they check your credit report; which is why I have an ex-husband!!!  Well, ONE of the reasons!)....so! being able to be a responsible Mom with my art isn't quite as lucrative as I'd hoped, and I NEED to BE and FEEL as though I'm out there and doing all I can; communicating all I've learned in all my past experiences; I need to be EXPRESSIVE; alive; COMPLETELY OPEN AND PRESENT; and so my recent epiphany told me that the only way to achieve my overall goal was to do what I've always thought I'd be a natural at; yet never pursued- out of fear.

Last week I got a phone call from a Talent Scout who found me on a Modeling/Actor's site on the Internet.  Today Hollywood (or any-Wood) can look on-line and find aspiring Models/Actors/Extras, etc., with their fingertips; and nationwide, as well!!!  It's a win-win situation!  Welllllllllllll, THIS, according to the process I am familiar with, is what you call 'being discovered'...(no longer do you have to be a waitress in Hollywood scraping by waiting to be 'discovered!).  In 48 hours, I will find myself sitting in front of a Director and a Manager at a very reputable and upscale agency where the scout told me he saw me working all over Florida and in many different ways; all commercial, AND he even mentioned QVC.....if THAT isn't wild enough.

You see, it struck me one day that I was tired of struggling my whole life even when I was working; and why did I feel like this?  Because everything I have to offer is everything I've experienced over the years; the people, the places, the jobs (LOTS! DIVERSE!), the crazy situations, the EXTREME VARIETY of crazy situations I've been in.....all of those things are inside of me and I think: "What are they doing IN THERE?  What's stopping me from using what I KNOW I HAVE and I see only ONE WAY to achieve the financial/spiritual abundance I want, and only ONE WAY to flush out the residual buildup of 'psychological plaque' that's formed over the years!?!?  ISN'T IT TIME YET FOR ME TO BE TOLD WHAT IT IS YOU WANT ME TO DO, UNIVERSE?  I didn't spend 2 years JUST looking for work; I spent it TEACHING MYSELF everything I could about PROSPERITY; my divine soul (which we ALL HAVE inside of us); my ability to SERIOUSLY CHOOSE MY EMOTIONS; I learned about ego and how it sabotages my every move/thought/and sometimes actions; how to control it; how to believe; how to move forward.........and HOPEFULLY; these lessons have truly taught me how to love myself and exude the self-confedence that I PRAY is real; that I pray I can convey; and that fear will understand that I no longer need it to shelter me from this world, since I find this world (today) to be soooooooooo preposterous....

.......that THIS IS WHY I CHOSE A FUTURE FOR MYSELF THAT IS EQUALLY PREPOSTEROUS, giving me control of how I can create my own imbalanced life situations; I don't need the world to do it for me!  I can do it myself, and make MONEY AT IT!!! 

     I stood a far better chance 20+ years ago at taking on this challenge, and avoiding having myself scrutinized at an age where scrutiny is NOT something we should do daily to feel good about ourselves; NOT IN 'MIDDLE-AGE'!  We need to EMBRACE THE INEVITABLE !!!  We need to PRIDE OURSELVES for being so beautiful inside and out....(ps. re: the inevitable: aging...either embrace it, claim it, and lose the nausea, or hang onto your fear of aging and age faster!-my personal philosophy!...give it some thought!).

     I'm not seeking fame; would love to stay just 'under the radar' and work consistently for as long as I can having NO EXPERIENCE other than being on the other end of the camera in a professional capacity, which will serve me well.  Being in FRONT of a camera; or on stage???  Never really did it enough to say I LOVE IT or that I'M GREAT AT IT; I've just got to believe that I'll DO IT WHEN IT'S TIME TO WORK!  and acting?  I envisioned myself on stage, and had the opportunity to attend an open audition at a renowned playhouse, so I performed a 2 minute monologue on-stage for the FIRST TIME and felt I was born there!!!!!!  (it was divine!) (and I got call-backs for the 3 plays they were casting for (which isn't why I was there and started to run away thanking them while they curiously called me back-'they' being the directors) and handed me 3 call-back sheets!  One was for "Kate; The Shrew" in Shakespeare's Taming of.......!!!!!!!!  I went to the callbacks, then realized COMMUNITY theatre, though VERY EDUCATIONAL, was time I didn't have right now; it's COMMERCIAL work I need; as much as possible as quickly as possible....I KNOW I can do this, BUT I'M AN HONEST PERSON:  I've no girlfriends here and am beginning to feel less than the strong and determined POWERFUL LEO WOMAN THAT I CAN TRULY BE!!!!!!  Fragments of fear are trying to penetrate; and I've not felt well, so I've struggled since I got this phone call ---Every Day that brings me closer to Thursday (this THURS; THE 28th!) since the  talent scout called - I've been noticing more twinges of what I try to ignore (fear) and less overall feelings of STRENGTH; AND SHEER DETERMINATION- which is what it will take to pull this off; as I said; a daring move for someone who WANTS SO BADLY TO BE WHOLE; and who's chosen a field where I could be eaten whole, or picked to pieces; YET MY FUTURE OF WHOLENESS, HAPPINESS, JOY AND GLORY depends on HOW I APPLY MY KNOWLEDGE to those things that might be difficult, uncomfortable....might seem impossible or HIGHLY IMPROBABLY; yet I DO truly contend that I HAVE AS GOOD A CHANCE AT ACHIEVING SUCCESS AND ENDURING ALL THAT GOES WITH IT- GOOD AND BAD- in the final analysis.  (by 'success' I do NOT mean fame or red carpet; truly, no stars in my eyes; JUST A JOB; AND ONE THAT i want to be A FUN JOB!).....!!!!

     Coming here and spilling all of this 'stuff' is perfect for me this morning.  If I integrate into your 'world' quickly enough, I can see the truth through the eyes of others', and take what resonates with my own soul and I'll FEEL supported; (WHICH I DON'T REALLY FEEL; we women NEED each other!- where are my friends!? **sort of new here**). 

     Then hopefully, when I actually ACE my 'break' on Thursday, I can come here and be an inspiration for anyone my age (54) who might just be feeling like I'd been feeling. 

     My future is BRIGHT and will bring me everything I desire; IT'S ALL INSIDE.......ALL OF US!!!  Thanks for reading, friends! xoxox rhona