As I close in on day 92, I realize I have not recorded my latest breakthroughs. Last week, during character and scene development, I came to a number of realizations.
One, I am ready to be responsible for myself and my choices.!!
Two, I haven't believed in myself in the past and I do now. I have always known I was intelligent and capable of doing anything I wanted. I just didn't know how to make others believe it. Well, I didn't have confidence in myself to actually follow through. The more I failed and changed direction, the less confidence I had in myself, the less i believed I could have the life I truly wanted. I settled for less, men who were less capable than me, jobs that didn't demand much from me, and I slowly become less in my own eyes.
One day coach said, I know you are a committed and focused person, because you are here on day... whatever it was. I thought, oh, you are saying that to everyone who makes it to this day, then I thought, well yes, he is right. I have 3 friends who joined and have not got the past the first couple of weeks. I got up early to do my tools when I was at a weekend workshop, I logged in everyday and did my exercises everyday. Sometimes I printed them off to take with me to do and then filled them in online later. Coaches words ended up giving me a lot of strength and encouragement as I saw how right he was.
Three, I realized that a driving need for me is to be needed. In another course that I did this year, we looked at driving needs and how we can get them met in positive ways rather than in negative ways. I identified creativity, connectedness, challenge in intellectual and physical pursuits and nurturing myself and my family, I did not acknowledge that I need to be needed. I have come to the end of the line in my latest job, and I realized that what has kept me there was because I was needed. No one else could do the job I did, my boss did whatever he could to keep me despite my medical leave because he relied on me getting the job done right. He needed me! But he isn't willing to pay me enough to support my family. From that realization, my mind went back to my marriage and the relationship that produced the twins and what was the common thread? Those men did not let me know that they needed me. I wasn't important to them, my needs were not important to them, I wasn't needed. I would have gone to the ends of the earth with either of them, if they needed me. At least that is how I felt, and I didn't know how to approach the subject in a conversation without sounding like a whiny, wimpy, needy woman. Of course, I had chosen men who could not talk about such things without turning it back on me. A very nasty circle.
So, as I write this now, I see myself as a capable, intelligent woman who can express her needs clearly and calmly without expectations, I can write my scene, I know my purpose and how I will act and behave. I am ready and willing to walk away from anyone who can not/will not hear me and can not/will not talk to me about their own needs. I am ready to stand up for myself and say I can do any job I am given, all I expect is to paid adequately for my time and effort. I will not accept another job at minimum wage, I am worth far more.
These realizations are going to create success in both my personal and professional life. I think, I barely recognize myself!!
