I'm so tired of this and no matter what I read, it doesn't go away. I have been very bad about TOOLS lately and never have I done the checklist. Maybe I should quit. Maybe I should start over. Maybe I should just come to terms with the fact that this is who I am and I'm never going to get better. There is a part of me that just finds that unacceptable...life has to be better than me constantly beating myself up and telling myself that I'm worthless and will amount to nothing. I really hate myself today, and most days lately.

I'm so lost - I don't know what to do. But I'm tired and would like a better me...but is it possible.

Story of my life. Start something and get easily distracted to not finish. I haven't been very good with the checklist and I am wondering if that is effecting my lack of results. I feel really stupid doing a lot of these things. Even if they may help me.

Should I start over? Is this normal?

It's the holiday season and coming up on the new year...I want to be better. In many things. Starting to feel defeated - once again.

I've been married for nearly 5 years to one of the most amazing men I know. I love him dearly and would be lost without him in my life. The issue: ME. One of his traits is to be an over-communicator. I, on the other hand, don't communicate much at all. So, there is an obvious gap with our communication.

I believe mine stems from an old relationship. I was broken hearted after a 3+ year relationship and from that point on, I think I just closed myself off. I built up a wall and just talked about the bare necessities to get by. Obviously, with an over- communicator, that doesn't fly.

My husband wants me to be happy but I don't think he knows how to help that along. When I'm struggling with depression, as I am now, he has a hard time. He gets frustrated because he feels as though he has to pull information out of me where I feel as though my answers aren't good enough. Where is the happy medium. I mean, we have talked about setting goals to help me get to where I think I should be and yet, I haven't even told him that I joined Tools. Is that weird?

I go back and forth too sometimes. Sometimes, I appreciate how he does so much to alleviate stress and worry from me and then other times I feel like he treats me like I'm a child and I will never get anywhere that way.

What do I do? How do I become a better communicator and make my marriage happier? It's like I don't know what to do with any part of my life. I'm too old to be this way - I'm not a teenager anymore.

I am a huge fan of The Biggest Loser and through watching the show, have always wanted to have the 'Aha' moment that so many of the contestants have. My mother visited me for the first time earlier this year and through talking to her about things that she was dealing with with our family, I came to realize something. Sort of my 'Aha' moment. My family ruined me. My self esteem has always been terrible and I have never believed that I can accomplish anything - only making the things I try all that much harder. Too fat, too skinny, bad choices in a men, what are you going to do with your life, we love you, your the smart one...blah blah blah. Nothing is ever good enough for those I was raised around and I fear that hearing those things my whole childhood has made me this way.

My family is full of drug/alcohol addicts and I was around that my whole life - unstable home, moving around a lot. That has also made my life harder. Had to mature and grow very fast and learn to fend for myself and take care of myself. Not that that is a bad thing but I never got to live a normal childhood. I know, what is normal. Funny - haha.

No, this is not a pity party, just an intro to the things I have been thinking and what I want to fix. I'm worth it. I deserve to wake up in the morning and be happy! I am worth the motivation and drive to do whatever it is that I want to do. No matter what it is. There should be no limitations and they don't deserve to ruin my thoughts and my life that way. It's my choice and I choose to change.