Here is PICTURE PROOF literally of "me" taking Action despite MAJOR Anxiety yesterday! To some it may JUST look like a pic of me & 4 of my kids & my husband...but it is MUCH MORE!!!!
1. My level of self consciousness due to my dissatisfaction with my own appearance often ends up with me in anxiety attacks/tears and avoiding going out in public even though I LOVE LOVE LOVE people. It feels PAINFUL emotionally for me to be in public & I find it difficult being my otherwise normal, bubbly, outgoing, reaching out and focusing on OTHERS AUTHENTIC SELF because I get caught up in my own emotions of embarrassment and self judgment, worrying what people THINK of me because I am SO FAR AWAY from what too many people KNOW is my best self that I USE TO BE. sighhh,.
2. IF and WHEN I am able to FORCE myself to go to a social gathering or event and "put on a happy face" and pretend I feel OK and Doesn't bother me like a NORMAL person...
I avoid cameras like shooting my pic would be equal to shooting me with a gun. I stay BEHIND the camera taking pics all the time to be sure no one can get any of ME. If someone does... I get very anxious and if I can get ahold of the pic later... usually destroy it.
I TOLD YOU I AM HERE BECAUSE I REALLY REALLY NEED IT!
OK... so the reason THIS PIC of me and my family (minus my oldest son & cat) is SUCH a big deal is because yesterday...
I:
1. VOLUNTARILY attended a birthday party I was invited to at the last minute, and LET people take pics of me there too. I worked HARD on NOT thinking about how "I" felt and focused on OTHERS like I always do when I don't have to feel self conscious like online or when I USE TO LOOK ok to my standards for my own self. It has taken me TWO MONTHS of tools to life along with a few lessons of Midwest Center for Anxiety and Depression AND my own self hypnosis to get to this point.
2. I VOLUNTARILY attended a graduation Open House where I KNEW there would be a LOT of people who know me and hardly ever see me for long periods of time and worse yet... KNEW ME "WHEN". I handled it the same way as the earlier party that day and LET PEOPLE TAKE pics of me AGAIN... I DID hide a LITTLE BIT behind my beautiful kids and soaking up support and strength from my unconditionally accepting loving husband but I DID IT! I EVEN SMILED THROUGH IT!!!!
I could have EASILY gotten away without going to either social event yesterday without anyone getting upset with me... as they were not as obligatory as SOME occasions... so I KNEW this would be a major breakthrough for me if I could gather the courage to step out of my comfort zone surrounded by those who love me no matter what just as I am.... and DO IT ANYWAY by CHOICE.
Another overwhelming scary situation like that is coming up for me next week too and my stomach is already in knots and I am not 100% sure even now if I have enough of what it takes for me to attend THAT ONE quite yet... but it is even progress for ME to be working on figuring out a way to talk MYSELF into it instead of thinking up ways to excuse myself from attending without offending anyone else.
This is the BIGGEST MILESTONE I have made in literal ACTION since starting tools for me and in a long time in general.
I was soooo proud of myself!!!!
My family was proud of me too because THEY KNOW how hard that was for me.
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Tags: Anxiety, agoraphobia, fear, avoidance, courage, step out of the box, Self Talk, Milestone, Support, action, self consciousness, Perfectionism
