Ever since I was learning to walk... I was convinced I would fall unless someone was holding the little ball on my hat OR I had to be holding onto a pillow/doll or even my OWN dress scrunched by my tiny fists holding on for dear life so I could make it across the room. If I didn't do those things, I would fall everytime. The adults thought it was cute and funny. Looking back, I think it sounds cute and funny too, but sadly it ISN'T NOW!
I will be 40 at Christmas and I realized I STILL do that in so many ways, through my procrastination, my perfectionism, my anxiety. My fear of failure of looking like a fool.
My 5 teens have SO many admirable, exceptional qualities that I am AWED at and aspire to myself even now. I have often told them ever since they were very little when they did something or handled something in a way I looked up to..."I am so impressed and proud of who you are! I want to be MORE like YOU when "I" grow up." They would giggle and still smile when I tell them that.... but I wonder if they know how much I REALLY MEAN it.
My Husband is strong man inside and out. I am NOT the ONLY one who looks up to him and finds him inspiring, motivating and so much more. When he holds me in his arms even if he doesn't say one word, I feel all the negativity, stresses, fears and self doubt MELT away. PHYSICALLY FEEL IT! He believes in me SO MUCH that he makes it harder for me NOT to believe in myself because I KNOW he is very intelligent and I respect his opinions even the ones I don't agree with, so I think IF HE believes in me soooo much, how much sense realistically does my self doubt make?
Todd makes EVERYTHING OK all the time. He is our literal Miracle blessing... and to my amazement HE feels that about ME!
I DO feel like a whole circle and I KNOW he is one... so I don't feel he completes me but enriches me ... a half tea cup can't hold anything.. only a WHOLE one can be FILLED by what another whole vessel carries and brings to share to their lovely set. I KNOW we pour into one another back and forth steadily. He has made my essence MUCH STRONGER and continues to do so with what he pours into me... I have made HIS essence MUCH SWEETER and continue to do so with what I pour into HIM. It is a perfect blend.
He HAS CARRIED ME mentally, emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, or held my hand or gave me something to hold onto as I have been gathering strength and confidence and BELIEF in MYSELF that my power ISN"T in another person or object but has been mine all along.. he also loves me enough to SHOW me that Loving me is Helping me learn to NOT be carried but to walk on my own.
I have for so long SAT here and showed others HOW to WALK and shared in their excitement as they took steps they wondered if they would ever be able to take... while I poured forth my heart and soul into helping them, I ALLOWED myself to be swept away in the current of their experiences with emotions and all, almost living and walking vicariously through others and their accomplishments I had cheered on from the sidelines while never attempting to take steps without holding onto my dress tightly by myself.
My great teacher Dr. Anne Spencer said something that has echoed through out my being ever since she said it .... "HEALER, HEAL YOURSELF!" I feel soooo called to empowering and teaching others to heal and evolve to their highest selves, and I know how to do that for them even now.. but how much more of a channel can I be for them.... when I DEEPEN and CLEAR OUT my own inner vessel by my own healing and empowering.
Todd COULD carry me through life and into eternity..... but he has done better... he has shown me through his own example and by giving me unconditional love, acceptance and faith in me.... that the greater gift of love is encouraging me to WALK like a big girl now.... because I have to learn to WALK on my OWN... so that I CAN FLY to the heights I feel called to.
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Tags: empowerment, encouragement, inspiration, Motivation, strength, courage, Anxiety, Failure, success, Support, belief, faith, calling, potential
