Married 22 years to a man I love, but don't respect.   Have an amazing daughter who is doing great in school and has dreams and aspirations to attend Ivy league school.  Work for a company I don't respect and hate my job, but I am grateful I have it.  Sad.  UPDATE:  Not so sad. TTL has changed my attitude -- I'm working it.  I used to be happy with a good sense of self.  I've lost that and have become very negative and unhappy even though I know I have a lot to be grateful for.  I don't have any goals or aspirations for myself.  I live vicariously through my daughter which we all know doesn't REALLY work.  I need to change to become a better me and that is why I am typing this right now.  UPDATE:  I'M BETTER ALREADY -- at least my attitude is and I'm saying my affirmations and it does work.  Thanks everyone for your support. 

The journey is the reward. 

                                                                 -Taoist

Thanks everyone for all your support, encouragement and ass kicking.   I'm moving forward and taking you all with me.   :)

Born in Milwaukee, WI.  Great people; horrible weather.  My dad left my mom with four kids when I was a baby (the youngest).  Grew up as a little white girl in the projects.  Actually, had a decent childhood until my mom hooked up with a redneck drunk and married him.  He moved us out of the projects (two blocks) and it was then that I began to use drugs, drink, etc.   Very dysfuntional family.  My real father was a drunk too so my siblings all had their own issues.  My big sister was abnormally perfect, my second sister was sick to get attention, my brother was a drunk and I did drugs.  We dealt with the dysfuntionI differently and it killed two out of four.  Fortunately I was placed in a pyschiatric facility at 14 and got some help. I went back home following treatment, but was on my own since I was 15.  I had really good friends, a good head on my shoulders and took responsibility for my actions.  I finished high school, went to vocational school, moved to California, got married, own a house, have had long-term employment  and have a beautiful daughter.  I have lost so many friends along the way.  My brother (drunk) and sister (sick one) both died in the 80's.  My best friend was brutally murdered in 1984 and the bastard was never caught even though I'm pretty damn sure I know who it is. Lost a lot of friends to drugs, accidents, suicide, etc.  From the Milwaukee point of view I am very successful and escaped the cycle of dysfuntion, but I know better and it stills plays a huge part in my life and is probably why I am still unhappy and not making the best decisions.

This is the problem.  I've never been this negative before.  My hopes and goals are all for my daughter.  After I get her launched to a "good" school and she is out doing her thing I don't see any future for myself.  Scary; huh?  I can't imagine just looking at my husband who also has no goals or aspirations.  I don't want to be the old couple in the restaurant that don't have anything to say to each other or anything in common.   Obviously, I can't tell you what my future should be, but I can tell you what I don't want it to be. 

I would like to be out of debt and pain.  I don't know what to do with my husband.  I love him but don't respect him or feel that I can rely on him in any way -- okay, he can fix a tire or go to the store for me, but financially, emotionally or as a life mate that I can share my thoughts, feelings or goals with is impossible.  Oh yeah, but I love him.  I don't know if I want to stay with him. 

I hate my job, but it is very secure and I don't know what I want to do so why would I jeopardize the stability I have.  My job sucks all the joy out of my soul.  It is boring and pointless.  I feel trapped here because I provide all the medical benefits for the family and my paycheck pays the mortgage and most of the bills.  The small amount of money my husband makes feeds us and keeps us going.

Since we don't have any money, I don't enjoy vacations, etc., that my husband insists on taking and putting on credit cards -- it's depressing.  I am having a hard time with this future topic because I'm so negative that I can't really see a future at the moment.   

MY FUTURE IS SO BRIGHT I HAVE TO WEAR SHADES -- I can envision a future -- I'm still scared, but at least I see a future, I see oppotunities, I have condifidence that I can achieve if I believe.  I'm in a much better place -- Day 86 :)