At first when I tried to start with Tools, I was taking antidepressants. The problem was I was still having lots of suicidal thoughts on them.

Changing antidepressants, didn't help much either. Because the artificial attitude change is one that simple suppresses feelings and motivation. And with all of them I'm beginning to believe that this suppression of feelings is what leads to the suicidal thoughts.

So I not taking them for now and I am not sucidal, but I am still struggling. I have a ton of really big life decisions to make and am completely lost about what to do.

So for now, I'm just, trying to keep myself moving forward by making as many small steps in a day as I can.

Waiting, waiting for my father to come home which meant that then I could go back in the house and be safe from her, (mother) and get warm. But, as I would lie there, still and quiet not making a sound I was also waiting for her. To come and put an end to my suffering for good.

And there in my childhood the process of disconnecting began. A defense mechanism at the time. But now a self impossed prison sentence that I can't seem to grant myself amnesty from.

Yet the disconnect with my body other than feeling pain, which is the nagging reminder to me that I am still alive there, still keeps me frozen in time.

I can't escape the feeling that I have driven myself back to the same desparate place that I spent most of my childhood.

But why do I keep banishing myself to that place?

Am I searching for something I lost a long time ago? Or am I looking for the wires that got disconnected way back then so that I can reconnect mind and body.

I know it is in part conditioning, but I can't help but think that I need to find that primal

survival tool that is still missing.

It's like I can guaranty that I can only get just a few hours a day of positive energy from I assume the antidepressants and then the crash comes. Lately harder and harder each day.

And I am at a time when, I can't afford to just get by on baby steps.

I can not seem to make any progress towards living life and am so mired in just barely existing.

And to some that may sound like a rationalization, yet I know that most people don't really know what I mean, or what my existance is like.

So here's the ugly truth that I am still unable to change: I haven't had a bath in months, nor even washed my hair in the last three weeks. I did brush my teeth yesterday, and brushed my hair today. I haven't taken out the trash in a few weeks or maybe a month, I'm not sure but I lose track. So the kitchen floor is littered with about a dozen empty, coke twelve pack cartons, the kitchen sink is full of dirty dishes and empty coke cans. The counters are also completely covered in empty coke cans. Every trash bin is overflowing and there is trash all over the floor. Dust is a good 1/4 thick on everything and there a cobwebs hanging everywhere.

I'm still living in the barn apt. but I keep the doors open to the barn to get enough heat because the heat isn't working right. The dogs have been using the barn aisle to go to the bathroom and I just walk past the poop every day.

Mentally I am so disgusted with the situation knowing full well, that if the board of health were to come by they would condem the place.

And that if any social wellfare organization were to come by they would probably have me committed because the severity of this major depression is so evident.

 And I tell, my self you can do it, it's not even hard work to pick up the trash. Yet everytime I start. I  hit the same brick wall.

God help me!

A part of me feels really alive when I write, or do something creative. But, living, just those plain simple things that should be automatic, I just can't seem to do.

The fact is that as soon as I stop doing something creative the depression knocks me back down again.

Don't know what to do to make the turn arounds I so desparately need.

I've begun to use a new montra to try to break my procrastination. NOW! Everytime I find myself back sliding I say NOW to remind myself to live in the present. And I am making some progress in that directon.

As for smoking, well I have cut down considerably, but what I find most difficult is the fact that when I don't smoke I become enraged over the smallest of things to and intollerable point even for my loyal pets.

I'm working on that too. And when I see that anger fling to the surface, I tell myself it's the addiction trying to lure me into having a cigarette to calm down, and take some deep breaths instead. Its still a one minute at a time process like it is with any addiction.

And it lets me know that I still have work to do to make my commitment to not smoking stronger than the urges to do so.

I wrote my weekly email on the GA DAWGS game. Great game against Tech.

And look around this barn apartment at all the mess and trash that I still seem unable to muster the energy or will to do anything about.

I can feel my depression slowly starting to subside, but there is still a major disconnect between my body and mind.

The phsyical aspects, the chronic pain, exhaustion and overall weakness from being so gravely underweight have taken their toll.

But there is something in my psyche that is still creating a brick wall that I know the only way to get past is by resolving some of the deep rooted messages from my past.

And that's where I really seem to be stuck, not just stuck in the mud, but bogged down in concrete and chipping away at it feel like an all too slow a process.

But today I want to talk about something I just learned in tools that has me really excited. To most it may seem like a simple thing but to me it's a real eureka thing.

As someone with Asthma and Chronic Bronchitis I actually started smoking for two reasons the act of smoking actually helped me breath better by taking deeper breaths as I smoked and by temporarily drying out my nose so it didn't drip constantly down my throat. And it calmed me down.  But now as I struggle to quit I have become convinced that the breathing issues have a lot to do with the depression its self.

And in todays video there was the missing piece of the puzzle. Breathing in through your nose is connected to an important system in your body. And that system has influence over mood.

One thing I found out before starting on tools is that people with breathing problems and shortness of breath actually suffer from a decrease ability to use their chest muscles to exhale. And if you can't fully empty your lungs, you just keep rebreathing the same stale air with just a little fresh air mixed in.

I've been doing breathing excercises since and find that my breathing is improving, but like most people with breathing problems I am a mouth breather and learning how to breathi in throug my nose is the missing link to getting the positive endorfins from breathing that I hope will help me to kick the cigarette habit. So what I'm trying to do is every time I want a cigarette I stop and breath in through my nose and exhale long and deep through my mouth until the urge for the cig passes. And the real good part is that every time I do that I feel refreshed and somewhat rejuvinated.

So maybe some of this will help someone out there who is trying to beat the cigarette habit too.

The Kittens were all nestled on the bed with me keeping me warm, and stroking them brought me a real sense of peace as my male pointer just laid in his bed curled in a ball with his usual, I'm not moving til her feet hit the ground. He's the realist of the group.

And soon the sun did come up and I look at Sweet and said ok now, as my feet hit the flood and Buddy the male jumped up.

I took the dogs and and they hurriedly went about their business do to it being cold. Then there noses went to the ground and they went about doing what they live for hunting.

The bright sun put and crystal glow on the frost covered clovers and warmed me while I watched them gracefully cover ground and point.  When I called to them to come in. The ran happily toward me as they rushed to beat me to the door.

Pets are a great way to teach yourself to have a great day. Because they take such great joy in even the simplest of things.

And then I sat down at the computer and went through my program and yes I am having a great day! And I'm allowing myself to take pleasure in the little things that this depression was making me overlook.