I call myself Whoami because I really don't know the real me without alcohol.  I have been a party animal since high school.  That explains my photo, the badger.  That's how I feel about my personality.  Quick temper, quick to pass judgement, ferocious when challenged.  I'm not very proud of myself for what I have become.  I cannot drink socially.  I realize I am afflicted.  Two days ago my world came crashing down when I was charged with DUI.  Now I attend AA meetings and am beginning to receive professional counselling.  I'm praying I can stay sober and creep out of the fog my life has become.  I realize that I am hiding from something, but I don't know what it is or why.  The first step is to remove that layer of bad judgement and lies so I can find out who I am.  I am excited to meet myself.  I feel I have so much to offer the world, but not in my present state.

I'd like to say my alcohol intake has progressed to it's current horrendous state, but, looking back at my past, I have kept up the party pace where others have managed to leave it behind and grow up.  I am envious of them.  I can honestly say that I married my drinking buddy.  We divorced after 14 years of marriage.  It had deteriorated into vapor over time.  I feel she has a serious depression and alcohol abuse problem.  I knew if I remained married to her, there would be hell to pay.  She refuses any help.  We have a 17-year old daughter, and I am trying to be a better role model for her.  She loves hanging out with me, but I had become such a bad person that I used her as my designated driver...I hate myself for that.  I want to show her that there is so much more to life, but I don't even know that myself.

I keep saying I'm gonna do this or that...typical behavior for the alcoholic.  I would like to be able to hang out in any social setting and not feel like I'm being left out.  I have always wanted to be at the party.  But when I'm around drunken people and I am sober, I am repulsed by it all.  I guess that makes me a hypocrite too...add it to the list of my faults.  But I want to start attending church again with my daughter, I volunteer at the local hospital.  I want to be the best athlete I can be.  I always said that I would have been an olympian if it wasn't for beer.  I want to meet the person I truly am.  I will meet that person soon.

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